Dear Cleaning lady,

I swear I didn’t time it to happen this way, but my morning coffee got the best of me.  Really sorry I took a massive dump right before you went in to clean the bathroom. I’m even more sorry that I had Mexican food last night…

- Anonymous

Dear Little Bro,

Sorry about that time I convinced you, kinda forced you, to eff with the septic tank.  I took picking on you too far that time, especially because you were covered in poo by the end of it.

- matthew

Hey Scott, dude. Remember when you found that sh*t in your bed the day after the footy game? Sorry dude, but that was me. I got really wasted and fell asleep on your bed, the toilet was too far away so I took a dump on your bed and walked over to my bed and fell asleep again. I heard you come in a few minutes later, yelling and “woke me up” to see if I knew anything, but let it go after I told you I had been asleep for hours. Srsly sorry, dude.

- James

Dear everyone at my local public pool, 4 summers ago,

Sorry I secretly slid my Baby Ruth in the pool, and caused total pandemonium.  I still laugh at how my poop look-a-like pool impostor caused such a hilarious panic.

- danny ryman

Dear Pizza Place on the LES,
I am sorry I used your bathroom without purchasing anything.  It was an emergency pit stop, caused by the taco stand down the street.  I’m extra sorry that I broke your toilet.  If it’s any consolation, I tried to fix it before fleeing the scene, but it was rank in there, and I couldn’t stand it any longer.  Seriously sorry.

- anonymous

Dear dog,

Sorry I took a dump in your bed. It was payback, and you deserved it.

- anonymous

Scott -
Sorry I send all of our guests to your bathroom to take shits.  Thanks for cleaning the kitchen this morning!

- Allie

Dear 24 hour Whataburger,
I don’t know why I took a dump in your sink, sorry.  I know you knew it was me.  Thanks for still serving me my breakfast.

- Roger

Corona Cruise Kid,
After I found you passed out  in the hall and helped you get back to your room,  I took a dump and threw it in your bunk bed, but seriously you deserved it, not that sorry. I knew you were making fun of me the entire cruise.

- Moleman

Dear freshman year roommate,
Sorry I threw silly putty in your bed while you slept and then didn’t say anything when you thought you crapped the bed. And still didn’t say anything as you shamefully threw away your sheets.

- anonymous

Dear random runner on 6th street,

My dog took a dump, I didn’t have a bag and I didn’t know what to do.  You ran by, tragedy struck.  I bolted from the scene.  I’m an a-hole.

- an a-hole


I’m sorry I didn’t tell you it was my time of the month before we hooked up.  I was really horny, and I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal.  Personally, I think you’re being kinda a pussy about the whole thing, but ok, sorry I intentionally chili-dogged you.

- Anonymous

Dear Johnny Dansizer from 6th grade, Rittman OH,

I’m the one who put poop in your pillowcase at that sleep over in 6th grade.  It was my poop.  srsly srry.

- Chris P


I think you over-reacted, but I’m sorry about going for your “other hole” without talking about it first.

- Lance

I stepped on a bum shit today.  It was in the alley behind my office.  You can tell it’s a bum shit because it had corn in it.  Great Danes don’t eat corn.  That bum should be saying sorry to me.  I hate bum shits.

- Kevin Shea