Dear Steve Jobs,
I hear you have high ideals and morals, and you are intent on keeping any kind of ‘offensive apps off the apple cloud. Srsly sorry that half of what I use my iPad for is porn.

- I love my iPad

Dear Ainsley,

I seriously was digging on you the moment I met you a week and a half ago, and I was super pumped when you invited me and my buddies to your Cinco de Mayo party.  I sought you out at the party, and we were chatting and drinking beers. It was going really well from my POV. The conversation was naturally flowing and we were playfully arguing over some random thing so I pulled out my phone to look it up and prove you wrong.  We were both looking intently at the iPhone screen as I opened Safari, and the first thing that popped up was a big picture of some porno girl getting railed.  Dammit, dammit, dammit. I was obviously looking at porno pics on my phone the last time I had safari open, and I forgot to X-out the pages. I’ve never been so embarrassed and utterly pissed off at myself.  Srsly sorry that you may have been into me, but now you probably think I’m a creep with an addiction to iPhone porn. Srsly sorry to myself, now that all her friends have probably heard the story, and they were cute too.  Srsly.  Sorry.

- S.D.

Charlie Sheen,

I heard that you want to have a third woman living with you and that you’ve tried but had no luck on that. You also said that ‘if anyone could manage juggling lots of women, it would be me.’ Sorry son, but that was actually me, I’ve had 3 Goddesses living with me, and my own show made because of them. I was winning before you were even a tickle in your daddy’s ball sack.

- Hugh Hefner

Dear Boyfriend,

Sorry that I won’t do some of the crazy sh*t you ask me to do in bed, even on V-day. I’m pretty sure porn has skewed your vision of reality. Oh, and that one thing you keep asking about, it’ll never ever happen.

- girlfriend

Dear Roommates,

Sorry I constantly use all the internet bandwidth and revert us to a slow dial up connection. I watch porn a lot and I can’t help it. I blame my mom for getting me this laptop.  Sorry but, I’m not going to stop anytime soon.

- Lana

To my older brother,

I used to sneak into your room, and steal your porno magazines.  Lets be honest, your hiding spot was pretty easy to find.  I’m sure you knew it was me, thanks for never bringing it up. Srsly Sorry.

- Hank K

Dear Pete,

Sorry for pulling your headphones out of your laptop in Science. I saw you watching porn and I couldn’t resist. That’s what you get for eating my pizza, it was stuffed crust. You NEVER eat another mans stuff crusted without punishment. Seriously sorry for getting you kicked out of class for the week though.

- Jason

Dear Katelynn,

You have gigantic boobs that are bigger than my head, which made up for you being plump and ugly, so I banged you that one night. Why am I bringing this up? Because everytime I go on **(porn-site)**.com to wave hello to my morning wood, I see your picture in the ads with the giant boobs.  That makes me kinda sorry, just saying.

- anonymous

Dear Music Teacher,

Sorry for photoshopping your head onto Ron Jeremy’s body and photoshopping an “abyss” onto Ron Jeremy’s (your) d*ck. I really can’t figure out what it accomplished, but I think it was really funny at the time. You were kind of an a**hole, and you probably shouldn’t have let your students set up a dating profile for you online.

- your student

Dear future hubby,
Remember that folder on your external hard drive with all the naughty pics of all the women you’ve ever dated?  The one you explicitly told me not to look in?  I looked through it the next day while you were at work. Sorry but, you will be deleting it, now that we’re going to get married and all.

- your loving wife-to-be

Dear Devin,

I’m sorry that I continuously tell everyone about our terrible [unintentionally hysterical] first date. Who admits to liking horse porn on a date? I hear you’re married now… I hope your wife is human.

- not into horse porn

Dear Mom and Dad,

Sorry about giving our family computer about 45 different viruses from the age of 12 to 16.  Don’t blame me,  blame the new and exciting world of free internet porn and masturbation.

- ryan H

dear college roomie,

I never told you because I was in the closet back then, but I used your computer to look at gay porn, and would quickly shut it off whenever I heard the key in the door. One day your computer did not start again.  Sorry, I hope you got a better computer and that you never looked closely at your old hard drive.

- gayonymous

Mark,

Sorry I tricked your Grandma into viewing lemonparty.org.  Seriously though, three sexy old dudes, I thought she’d be into it … at least we got on lamebook, booya.

- Todd

Dad,

I used to masturbate to your playboys in your bathroom when you were at work.  I’m not sorry about the masturbation, but I am sorry about getting all the pages stuck together.

- Greg G