Dear B-Gage,

Srsly sorry that your mom got pissed and took your phone for a few days when she saw what you were looking at on your phone.  However, it’s partly your fault for opening a link with the words “wizard” and “vagina” in the same sentence, in range of your mom.

- sean

Dear Highschool,

Sorry we took cinder blocks and cemented them down outside all the doors of the school. Srsly though, you should have thought of senior pranks before you designed all the doors to open outward!

- SENIORS

Dear Brandon,

Sorry we filled your hot-pocket with hot sauce, and put it back in the package. I am honestly proud of the care and detail we took with the packaging, I mean, you had no idea. Srsly though, sorry we set your sensitive little taste buds on fire, and ruined your lunch.

- your roommates

Dear Kevin, 10th grade,

That first time that you thought you got “so high,” we were totally messing with you. It was oregano, and you acted like you were messed up. Sorry we tricked you into being fake high, but it was hilarious.

- your friends

Dear Paul,

The girl you were sleeping with behind my back and I are best friends now. Yes, you gave us both chlamydia. Yes, we snuck over to your house that night and EZ Cheesed obscenities all over your car. Yes, I put honey under all the doorhandles. Yes we drove by your work the next morning to watch you clean it all off in the parking lot. I can’t believe you actually drove to work with “Dick Liar” on your hood in EZ Cheese!! Srsly, I guess I’m sorry.

- sarah

Dear Torty the Turtle,

You were the class pet in fourth grade.  I’m really sorry that I took you out of the cage and poured a bunch of salt on you behind the portable.  It was a dare and all the “cool kids” were watching me.  I guess it didn’t make me that cool when I ran off crying.  To this day I regret what I did to you.  I’m sorry that we left you out there, and you dried up and died.  Srsly, Torty, I miss you.  At least I didn’t turn into a serial killer like that other kid in class.

- nathan k

Brandon,

Dude, sorry for posting that picture of you naked on facebook.  We knew you’d be pissed, and it was all fun and games until you broke into tears.  So, while I’m here, seriously sorry for destroying your pride.  Haha, jk, grow a pair dude, because judging by the picture we’re not sure you have one!

- your pals

Dear families at the Peter Pan Putt Putt last summer,

Sorry about water-balloon bombing you all during family putt-putt time.  Specifically, to the little kid in the red sweater vest – sorry for blasting you straight in the gut.  From our hidden perch across the street, the water explosion looked amazing, but your reaction of keeling over onto the ground and crying makes me think that hurt a bit.  So yeah, sorry.

- the booya crew

Dear everyone at my local public pool, 4 summers ago,

Sorry I secretly slid my Baby Ruth in the pool, and caused total pandemonium.  I still laugh at how my poop look-a-like pool impostor caused such a hilarious panic.

- danny ryman

Dear middle aged woman walking her elderly mother down the street in 2003,

I’m sorry that Poof and I thought it would be funny to throw a water balloon at you while driving 40mph by you.  Im sorry that it pelted you, old granny, square in the face.  From afar, you two viewed as middle school aged kids that would have loved to been cooled off an a hot summer evening.  As f*%^ed up as it is, it was a great left hook out of the driver side window.  I hope you survived!

- Kiel

Dear Grandma and Grandpa,
Being a poor student, $50 seemed like a fortune at the time, so I had to take the bet.  But yeah, sorry for shaving my eyebrows off before the first giant family wedding in a decade or two.  I mean at least it made a good conversation starter, right? Also, sorry to the substitute teacher who thought I was pissed at her all day after some friends drew angry eyebrows on me.

- Kilfgore Trout

Dear residents of brown house on Mahogany Street, Albuquerque NM,

Sorry about the unintentional arson attack.  We were 13 and dumb, but at the time, I was a God among my friends for lighting that giant bag of poo on fire.  Anyways, I lit the bag, and in haste set it way too close to your door, and well, you know the rest.  Sorry for scaring you half to death, ruining your front door, and fleeing the scene.  Glad you were smart enough to put the fire out before the whole house went up in flames.  Thanks Billy Madison for the great idea!

- joseph

Mark,

Sorry I tricked your Grandma into viewing lemonparty.org.  Seriously though, three sexy old dudes, I thought she’d be into it … at least we got on lamebook, booya.

- Todd

3rd grade version of Stephanie,

My plan was to swallow your pet goldfish Goldie, and then bring him back up, alive and swimming.  Sorry that the plan failed, and he came out the other end 6 hours later.  You cried, my bad.

- Denny

Brandon,

Really sorry that we antiqued you that one night last year, and subsequently sent you to the hospital.  How were we supposed to know that you are allergic to flour?

- Your pals