Dear Mormon Girls in L.A. during my Senior Trip,

Me and my buddies were on our senior trip when we met you and your girlfriends who were also on a senior trip. We quickly learned that y’all we’re from Utah and you were mormons. After learning this fact, we figured you guys weren’t gonna be that much fun, but we were dead wrong. We partied hard all night long, one thing lead to another, and I found myself naked with two of you in the condo bedroom.  Yes, reader, you heard correct, I wound up in the middle of a mormon three-some – something you don’t hear very often.  So, why am I srsly sorry?  The threesome was awesome, but when it was over I grabbed the closest piece of cloth to clean up with which was one of your blouses and I think I may have unintentionally insulted your religion with some comment about Joseph Smith… so, for soiling your nice blouse and insulting your beliefs, I am srsly sorry.

- P.A.

Dear Stupid people,
Seriously Sorry I got you to believe the rapture was coming just so you would convert to my way of thinking, turns out fear is a good motivator. Anyway if your still waiting just wait for a few years and I’ll make this prediction again. Until then keep reading your bibles kids.

- Harold Camping

Dear Muslims,

Now that I’m dead, I just wanted to get this apology out there.  I am srsly sorry that I gave you all a bad name with my extremest views and teachings. So, yah, I preyed on the impoverished and feeble minded to build an army of religious fanatics who would die at my command, all following the radical version of jihad I created from which I had no formal education in whatsoever.  Yeah, my bad. Now none of you can go outside, or wear traditional garb, or especially ride in an airplane, in the western world without receiving uneasy stares and general suspicions from everyone near you.  I guess part of me never thought anyone would actually listen to what I had to say, after all, it was pretty crazy.

- Osama Bin Laden

Dear Christian Guilt,

I am in my early 30′s, I don’t believe in the same way that I used to about Christianity.  Srsly sorry, but, I shouldn’t have to feel bad about masturbation, so now, I don’t.

- anonymous

Dear Adam and Eve,

Sorry that I created that whole garden situation, just so you guys could mess it all up.  I mean, I am omniscient , so I knew you’d screw it up, because I know everything. Sorry to play with your heads like that, but hey, Adam, at least you got to see Eve naked.

- GOD

Dear Christianity,

Sorry that I tried to believe, but it’s so hard with like 900 contradictions in a book that claims to be truth. I’m still trying…

- doubter

Dear Joseph,
Sorry for cheating on you with the, eh hem, “Angel.”  It’s just, I had a little too much wine the other night, and he was really, really cute. Srsly sorry.

- Mary

Son,
Let me start by saying that even though I’m sorry, this is just as much your fault, since you ARE me.  That being said, I owe you an apology.  It was pretty silly for me to create an imperfect humanity and pin their only hopes for salvation on your brutal torment, torture, and execution.  But hey, RESURRECTING was pretty cool, amiright?!?

- GOD

Mary,

Sorry for calling you a lying, cheating whore and storming out, leaving you with only a camel and some hay for a few days.  Really though, your story was very difficult to believe…

- JOSEPH