- your old roomy (you know who)
Dear old Roomy,
Srsly sorry about the oddly placed stains all over the couch in the living room. You were out of town, and I brought a boy home. It was hot, drunk sex, and we didn’t have time to make it into the bedroom. Yeah, turns out I get a little “extra” moist sometimes and all those stains were from me. Boy was it awkward when you pointed the stains out to me.
To Richard, my roommate,
Sorry about that time I came home drunk and ate your entire jar of pickles, then proceeded to throw up in my sleep all over the couch that is also yours. Best roommate ever?
Sorry I masturbated with you in the room and awake… sitting above me on our bunk bed. Srysly sorry, but watching tv just gets me horny sometimes, I can’t help myself!
By all accounts, from you and your girlfriend, I apparently came into your room in the middle of night, woke you up and asked you why you would let the “rainbow rabbits jump over my dance floor.” Then I called you lame for not coming to my dance party. Srsly sorry bro, that’s the last time I take ambien.
We were roommates, I didn’t have a computer, you did. Srsly sorry that on nights when we got wasted, I would sneak into you room to watch porn and masturbate while you were passed out on the bed right next to your desk. I was drunk and horny, you never woke up, thank god, cuz that would have been really awkward.
Dear my freshman year roommate,
All throughout freshmen year of college I had a secret crush on you, because I was secretly in the closet. Srsly sorry that I did some creepy stuff, like watch you sleep, and that I stole one of your worn t-shirts when we moved out of the dorms and used it as a pillowcase all sophomore year.
Dear Steven, my roommate senior year,
Sorry that I forgot to lock the door and you walked in on me yanking one out, to Anime. Srsly sorry that the Anime weirded you out so much, but really, those girls are hott.
Dear female college roommate,
This is one story I’ve never told anyone, and I’ll probably never tell you. One night, I saw you eating a salad with sliced cucumber in it, and when I checked my drawer in the fridge, guess what was missing? My cucumber. The one that I had just used as a DILDO the night before. I put it back in the fridge because I liked the way it felt cold. Srsly sorry, but I guess that’s what happens when you steal your roommates food.
- Cinderella without the benefits of a Fairy Godmother
Dear student housemate,
I’m sorry that whenever I clean the bathroom that we share, I purposefully spray a little of each cleaning product onto your shower pouffe and flannel. Given that you do absolutely nothing all around our house except watch TV, leave rubbish and dirty dishes everywhere and leave your delightful skid marks in the toilet that I have the misfortune of sharing with you, it gives me a small petty sense of satisfaction. As does occasionally pulling faces and sticking two fingers up at your closed door when I go past.
Dear Roommates Friend,
I stole your “Street-Sharks” watch after making fun of you for it. Street Sharks were f*#%ing cool.
I totally hid in your closet when I knew you were gonna hookup with that one Melissa chick. I’m not sorry at all for being super creepy and watching you eat her out. I am sorry that I got stuck in there all night because you two stayed up talking forever. I slept with my face in a shoe.
- your kinky and a little bi-curious roommate
Our walls our paper thin, and I know you and your boyfriend try to be quiet when you hook-up, but I can hear everything. I’m not that sorry, but sometimes I pleasure myself to sound of you two getting it on. I’ll never tell you, but I secretly wish you were the kind of couple who were into threesomes. Srsly.
- Your Old Roomy
Sorry I had sex on your bed, all the time. I don’t think you ever found out but for a while it was almost every day. You weren’t home a lot of the time and your bed was just way more comfortable than mine. I washed your sheets afterwards…. the first couple of times. Yeah, sorry.
Hey Scott, dude. Remember when you found that sh*t in your bed the day after the footy game? Sorry dude, but that was me. I got really wasted and fell asleep on your bed, the toilet was too far away so I took a dump on your bed and walked over to my bed and fell asleep again. I heard you come in a few minutes later, yelling and “woke me up” to see if I knew anything, but let it go after I told you I had been asleep for hours. Srsly sorry, dude.