Dear Self,

As I sit in class, a guy next to me is sneaking drinks of malt-liquor from his backpack. Thanks community college!  Srsly sorry to my future.

- Geraldine

Dear Awkward Creepy Home-Schooled Mormon Boy,

So, here’s the thing: you’re really creepy and I just don’t like you. Opening my closed door and walking in without knocking while I was taking a nap was bad enough, but when you said, “I’d like to find an adventure in your vagina” to me, that was the end of line, even if you were “just kidding.” Basically, I’m kinda sorry that I’m not sorry for being a bitch and I’m seriously sorry you can’t take a hint.

- Normal Public-Schooled Athiest Girl

Deere English langwage,

So Sowwy, U is all f*&^ed up now, and we all is sownding like retarted forth graters becuz we is 2 LZ 4 skool and we thinks we is kool to sownd stoopid.


Dear high school kid that I tutor,
You’re dumber than crap… so dumb, in fact, that special education would not be “special” enough for you.   Additionally, I know teenage girls are desperate and not so smart, but I SERIOUSLY doubt that you are getting as much play as you claim you are…including from the prostitutes you said you got.  Let’s be honest, who’s going to screw the special kid?  I’ve tried, but I sincerely doubt ANYONE can help you.  Srsly sorry.

- Your Tutor

Dear Homework,

It’s not you, it’s me.  I’m starting to think that we should see other people. I’ve neglected you for this long, and I think it’s time we faced up to it.  I’m sorry, it’s over.

- Kelsi

Classmates from Virginia Middle School,

Sorry for being so annoying and weird in middle school.  Looking back, I wouldn’t had talked to me either.

- James B

Dear Grandma and Grandpa,
Being a poor student, $50 seemed like a fortune at the time, so I had to take the bet.  But yeah, sorry for shaving my eyebrows off before the first giant family wedding in a decade or two.  I mean at least it made a good conversation starter, right? Also, sorry to the substitute teacher who thought I was pissed at her all day after some friends drew angry eyebrows on me.

- Kilfgore Trout

Dear Homely Girl in highschool,  I think your name was Kendra,
I’m sorry that I shattered your self-esteem by pointing out your receding hairline in the 10th grade… ouch, really, I’m sorry.  Hope you’ve worked that hairline thing out.

- Reese Styles


I am sorry that I called you a manatee/ sea cow in seventh grade.  You already knew that you were overweight and surely did not need me comparing your relative girth to that of a huge, water-dwelling mammal.  It was fucked up.  Middle school is hard enough without me ruining your life. Hope your self-esteem has recovered.

- Jerry P

I’m sorry you went to graphic design school.

- Anonymous