Dear Emily,

Srsly sorry I told you I loved you when you said you loved me.  Srsly though, deep down, I don’t.  I don’t know why, but I just don’t.  I will keep saying it though, as long as you keep f%$#ing me.

- M

Dear Kids,

You walked in me and your dad getting it on, reverse cowgirl style, in the middle of the afternoon.  I can only hope you are young enough still where you won’t remember this some day, but I have a feeling that vision may scar you forever.  Srsly sorry.

- Your Parents

Dear Girlfriend from Highschool,

This is a two parter.  First, to your parents, sorry we hooked up on their bed.  Second, to you on the same night, sorry that after I spent like 30 minutes rubbing up on you and getting you off, you just decided to be tired and let me suffer with my poor blue balls. Then when I say “at least get me there too” you freak out and get all pissed off.  I guess girls don’t like to hear the truth, but I worked hard to get you off, and fair is fair, so I was expecting a return on my investment.  Sorry for expecting my hard work to be rewarded, I mean really, fair is fair.

- Jacob

Dear Paul,

Srsly sorry that me and my friends call you Weezy.  You weezed the whole time we were having sex (the four minutes of it).  Srsly sorry… and go work out.

- that girl who shouldn't have hooked up with you

Dear co-workers,
I’m seriously sorry to let you know that I have been screwing one of our fellow co-worker in the office, also I’m sorry that you guys still eat on the table that has supported my bare ass in one of our many positions, also sorry for the stains on the very comfy chair, I like to sometimes be on top. Also, sorry that you guys all still believe I’m a virgin, but I’m eighteen, come on, how many eighteen year old virgins do you know! And I guess this sorry is for the times to cum, haha pun intended, but I’m not about to stop my needs at the office for your sanitary needs. But seriously guys, sorry!:)

- your friendly co-worker

Eric,
You were really sweet and OK in bed, but I’m seriously sorry you are weird and don’t brush your teeth and kinda gross me out.  Please quit calling and texting me.

- Anna

Dear Husband,

I usually just pretend to be asleep when you get home late from work so that I don’t have to have sex with you.  Srsly sorry…. maybe I’ll stay up tonight.

- G

Dear Brad and Kelly,

Last New Years, when you two, me, and Jess shared the queen size bed in the hotel room (that’s right, 4 to a bed), Jess and I proceeded to hook up once you two fell asleep.  Srsly sorry for having sex 6 inches away from you. I am almost positive we kept any and all fluids on our side, but who knows, it was dark…

- Kev

Dear Wife,

I know you hate it, so I am sorry that in order to keep things interesting in our sex life I now shout out random sayings whenever I cum.  DIGGITY!  BADA-BOOM!  ABRACADABRA!  and so forth…

- Justin - the husband

Dear old Roomy,

Srsly sorry about the oddly placed stains all over the couch in the living room. You were out of town, and I brought a boy home. It was hot, drunk sex, and we didn’t have time to make it into the bedroom.  Yeah, turns out I get a little “extra” moist sometimes and all those stains were from me.  Boy was it awkward when you pointed the stains out to me.

- your old roomy (you know who)

Dear Brennan,

Srsly Sorry that I spent about 10 minutes watching you and your girlfriend have sex last semester when we were roommates.  Creepy?  maybe a little bit.  But you left the door open a bit and I simply couldn’t look away because it was hot.

- ex-roomy

Dear bloated BF,

Srsly sorry that I snuck a bottle of gas-x into your bathroom drawer.  I figured that way you would get the point, and I wouldn’t have to openly call you out for farting during sex every time.  Love ya.

- sensitive nosed girlfriend

Dear Trey, my first boyfriend,

Sorry I lied when we were 16 and told you I was still a virgin to get you to have sex with me. You were still a virgin and didn’t want to lose it to someone who wasn’t a virgin too.  I just wanted you so bad at the time that it seemed ok to lie.  Srsly sorry.

- Kelly

Dear Adam,

Srsly sorry that I sorta stole your virginity last Cinco de Mayo.  Your parents were out of town so you threw a party (naturally), and we had a lot of tequila and snuck upstairs to your room.  You were like super drunk, but so was I so I figured it was cool.  I basically took the reigns and went for it  ;) .  Srsly sorry about how awkward it was the next day when you told me I took your virginity. I feel sorta bad about that.

- J ;)

Dear Mr.Williams,

Srsly sorry that me and my girlfriend defiled your hot-tub, which sits on your very open balcony, and alarmed your neighbors. Honestly, I blame Jarrod (your son) for leaving the two of us alone up there.  We could have been inconspicuous about it, but she was in the mood to be a little crazy, so we stood up and were getting it on in plain view of the world. We didn’t think anyone was looking, but apparently your old neighbors were, and apparently they were so offended that they called you and claimed they saw Jarrod in the act!  Haha, so I guess I’m sorry to Jarrod for the sh*tstorm he had to endure when you got home.

- K.L.