Sorry about that little pregnancy scare. I guess I was just too drunk to remember the condom. My bad.
- Conan lover
Dear Conan O’Brien,
Sorry if you find this weird, but I fantasize about your lanky body and sexy red hair whenever me and my boyfriend have sex. Srsly, I want you.
Sorry that I won’t do some of the crazy sh*t you ask me to do in bed, even on V-day. I’m pretty sure porn has skewed your vision of reality. Oh, and that one thing you keep asking about, it’ll never ever happen.
I am seriously sorry that I was intoxicated almost everyday for about four months, that I had a lot of promiscuous, unprotected sex under the influence, and that I put my health in such a great risk. And I’m also sorry for all the $$$ about to be spent on treatment. Consequences can be a bitch. But hey, at least I have some great stories to tell.
- I hide from you every time I see you at parties now
Dear Host of That Party Last Year,
So at that party you threw, I lost my virginity to the guy I was with at the time, …in your bed. We weren’t thinking straight and needed somewhere to go, and uh, yeah, there was blood. We freaked out, turned the sheets over, and fled. To this day I have no idea if you ever figured out that was us, or if by some lucky chance, you were about to wash and change your sheets anyways and never saw. I didn’t hear any gossip about it in the following weeks so I assume you just didn’t know it was me. Maybe you did. I don’t know. Srsly sorry. Srsly.
- Your "nympho" girlfriend
I’m seriously sorry that once a week is not enough for me. And for letting you know it isn’t. Often… I never realized that me being attractive and having a very high sex-drive might be a problem for you.
- the guy you'll never forget
Sorry but, there’s no such thing as an indian giver when it comes to V-cards. You just can’t have it back.
- creeping wife
Even after 6 years you can’t make me cum in bed. I mean really, I have done everything except drawn you a road map. Because you need gps to get a woman off, I sleep with random guys I meet at the bar. Srsly sorry that you think I’m such a good girl.
- your man friend
Dear Lady friend,
Srsly sorry that you didn’t shave today. We were dry humping and above your vag felt like extra grainy sand-paper, and now my D looks like it was in a luge accident.
Sorry about the awkward silence during sex.
- your son
Turns out, the best piece of advice you ever gave me was “always wear your helmet when you go to war.” Srsly sorry that I didn’t listen, I didn’t wear my helmet (aka Condom), and now you’re one of those ‘young’ grandfathers.
- the girl you probably don't want to see anymore
Dear brother of my new boyfriend,
It was really nice of you to lend your brother your apartment for the night, but as we were alone in the room things got really hot between him and I. You should have guessed we would have sex on your bed, however you could not have guessed that I was on my period. We did our best to clean up the mess, but as you probably now know, blood stains are effing hard to wash. Our bad. Srsly sorry that your brother is so hot I would have sex with him even on that time of the month.
Last time we were having sex, I pulled out and accidentally turned one of your teddy bears into a splooge catcher. Oops, my bad. Sorry that I crustified your little stuffed buddy.
- my college relationship
Srsly sorry you heard me refer to you as my ‘slam-piece’. Please get over it soon so I can slam you again.
Dear Party Bus (Ryan’s bachelor party, 2007),
Srsly sorry for getting woman sex juices all over the back row, and then splooging all over the seat and handle. I met the girl spur of the moment, and we had nowhere else to go but the party bus. You might want to blame the driver for abandoning his post, and leaving the doors open. And sorry to Chase who unknowingly passed out in the splooge seat when we all got back on to drive home!