Dear girls everywhere, and especially Denise K,

Sorry but, I simply cannot date you if you opt to toss my salad within three dates. I didn’t even really want it, but you were so persistent that I let it happen. Srsly though, actually dating a “salad tosser” is out of the question.

- a dude

Dear owner…

Listen, it’s not my fault that I sexed up some hot doggie tail, and she happened to give me fleas. It was well worth it. I am srsly sorry that I spread the fleas to you, but like I said, well worth it.

- Chester the Dog

Dear Jason,

I am srsly sorry that I threw up on you the second time we had sex. I was reeeeeaaaaaly drunk. Side note – I hear some guys are into that.

- anonymoussy

Dear Panties,

Sorry that I let you slip so easily. It’s just more fun that way. Sorry that I have an unfair double-standard to deal with, but why should guys get to have all the fun?

- horny girl

Dear Girl I took on a few dates and hooked up with last semester,

Srsly sorry that I will not be seeing you again, because after the condom broke, you weren’t worried at all, and you told me you would just “take a plan B when you got home, because you had a few left.” Sorry but, I don’t think I want a relationship with a girl who stocks up on plan B.

- erich

Dear Taylor,
Srsly sorry I f%$#ed in your bed when you went away for the weekend. Your roommate let me. We couldn’t go back to either of our dorms so she offered up your bed and we were both too drunk to care. Also, srsly sorry that we didn’t use a condom so…yeah, I don’t feel the need to clarify that one for you. You should know, it was probably the best sex I’ve ever had.  So, thanks. But really, sorry. And I really hoped you washed your sheets.

- horny

Dear female college roommate,

This is one story I’ve never told anyone, and I’ll probably never tell you. One night, I saw you eating a salad with sliced cucumber in it, and when I checked my drawer in the fridge, guess what was missing? My cucumber. The one that I had just used as a DILDO the night before. I put it back in the fridge because I liked the way it felt cold.  Srsly sorry, but I guess that’s what happens when you steal your roommates food.

- anonymous

Dear Little White Dog Next Door,

Sorry that my Big Brown Dog got through the fence and took advantage of you. Srsly, that looked painful.

- bad dog

Sorry I never told you I have herpes. Hope you didn’t get it.

- anonymous

Dear Clitoris,

Where are you?

- A Male

Dear Charles,

Please do not ever flip your couch cushions over! Yes I had a girl in there last night, and yes you know why you shouldn’t flip them over… srsly sorry

- your roommate

Dear Girl I hooked up with last weekend,

Just got your bitchy message, and no, I don’t have herpes. I get an occasional pimple downstairs, that’s all. So sorry but, because you’re being a bitch, I’m not gonna call you back so that you can worry about it for a few days.

- anonymous

Dear Mohammaed,
I am sorry I had sex with you only cos I was drunk and horny. We are not a couple. Stop calling. Honestly, it was just sex. You’re being a real woman about this.

- Sophie

Dear Emily L*****,
Sorry that you’re a HO HO HO! …and sorry that you gave me syphilis MERRY CHRISTMAS!

- Matt

Dear Alan,
I hooked up with Emily in your room, at your Christmas party last year. Sorry but, it was dark, we were drunk, and I handed emily your hoody to wipe up the “mess.” At least I stuffed it down in the corner behind your bed, hope you found it! Srsly sorry dude.

- Sean