I am sorry Tim for the night that I had sex with my ex, then about an hour later you went down on me. I was just getting you back for how you cheated on me. I hope it tasted good.
- What What
You’ve been knocking at the back door for a while, so when I finally let you in, I kind of thought you’d be able to find it… or, you know, tell the difference. I guess I’m tighter than I thought, because it was dark, we were both drunk, and I totally let you keep banging my lady business instead of correcting your trajectory. Srsly sorry I let you think you were doing me in the butt, but my vag will take the compliment.
Dear a$$hole f%$# buddy,
Our deal was that YOU kept your mouth shut! Technically, you getting angry, blackmailing me, and then telling your friends and bitching to me about your regrets is definitely violating our terms. Sorry that I got payback while you went away on summer vaca, but you were a real d*ck. Srsly sorry but, when you get back you’ll find not a single girl will touch you with a ten foot pole.
I’m seriously sorry for fantasizing being f*%#ed by James Franco and not you while we have sex. And sorry but, no, I’ve never had an orgasm with you.
Sorry that I killed the mood when I said I wanted to “add mayo to your puffy taco.” I guess my version of sexy talk isn’t as sexy as yours. Srsly sorry.
Dear Kyle, my straight-roommate,
We shared a small studio apt in college, and you knew I was gay. Still, I’m sorry that I secretly drugged you with ambien one night so I could have sex with this cute guy I met. On your bed. Srsly sorry.
- your brother
I know we’re close, but sorry I don’t want to hear about your sex life. Please stop telling me.
Sorry that you’re a d*ck. I told you I was a virgin to TEST you! I’m not a virgin, not even close. I couldv’e shown you things you had never seen or done before, but you stopped calling me three days after I told you that. Srsly sorry that you lose.
- Lucky Jewish Girl
Dear BF from heaven,
You are like the incarnation of every girl’s dreams. I am so lucky! You make me so happy and I do want to return the favour, but I’m sorry, I’m just not into anal like you are. Hey, keep suggesting it and one day I might just say yes. In fact, ask me tonight…
- your kinky and a little bi-curious roommate
Our walls our paper thin, and I know you and your boyfriend try to be quiet when you hook-up, but I can hear everything. I’m not that sorry, but sometimes I pleasure myself to sound of you two getting it on. I’ll never tell you, but I secretly wish you were the kind of couple who were into threesomes. Srsly.
- stoner chick
Sorry I had sex on your bed when when it was my time of month. I was high. Oh, and sorry I didnt even wash the sheets. Yeah dude, that was my bad.
- college girl
I’m sorry you’re still in high school. I’m sorry he left to college. I’m seriously sorry he cheated on you. I’m not sorry it was with me. Let’s be honest, did you really think he was going to stay faithful? If you did, SRSLY sorry.
You decided it was OK for you to get yer “Gay” on in my parents bedroom, while they were away in Texas, so I am sorry for pointing an SKS at you and him and telling you to get the f*&^ out of my house. Again sorry for pointing a gun at your head, but think twice before you try to have a guy in someone else’s parents’ bed.
- Johnny Lee
I am sure you never imagined you’d have a bleeding anus on your wedding day. I’m sorry, but in reality, it was your idea to try anal the night before the big day. And it was your idea to keep going even when it hurt. Let me say again, it was YOUR idea. I’m still sorry.
- Left Wanting
Dear Roommate’s Friend,
I’m sorry that you don’t understand ‘one night stand’ means just for one night. I really have no interest in you anymore, we just happened to fall into bed together one night. It was decent, but when you asked for a repeat performance a few weeks later, you came way too fast and didn’t do anything for me. Seriously sorry I told a bunch of my friends how ill-equipped you are. At least I told them you knew how to use it!…..the first time anyway.