- Nick K
Dear Old Homeless Man, who lives in the creek behind our house,
Srsly sorry that me and my friends stole your cart full of sh*t that one summer. We didn’t need your cans and blankets, we were just a-holes.
Dear Roommates Friend,
I stole your “Street-Sharks” watch after making fun of you for it. Street Sharks were f*#%ing cool.
- BANKERS of america
Dear Young People in America,
Sorry bout all this worrisome financial stuff, but you all like to work, right? I mean, like, when you get old? Oh, phew, I thought you’d be mad about the fact that the nations financial future is f*^#ed, and you all had nothing to do with it. I mean, social security is lame anyways! You’d have to be poor to want that!
Dear Fellow Traveler from Australia,
We were sharing a hostel in Amsterdam last year. You were asleep, I was wasted, and I needed more money for some continued international debauchery. I never thought of myself as a stealing man, but that night I stole 50 Euros from your locker. Not sure if this makes you feel better or worse, but I went straight to the red-light district and spent that 50 on hookers and weed. Sorry, but at least it went to a good cause.
- Horny Roommate
Sorry I used your vibrator on several occasions when you would stay the night at your boyfriend’s… yours just works so much better than mine. It’s not cool, my bad…
- justin v
Sorry I stole the keg from our own party. I had the after-party in mind, but I was wasted, and it was only 10 o’clock. I passed out, and woke up on my front lawn at 4 in the morning spooning the keg, and wishing it were a girl. Story of my life.
Dear Hot Brunette Girl at Key Bar,
So, hey, how are you? Last night was crazy fun. Yah, so, I’m really sorry but I sorta stole your i-phone. I thought I could re-program it or sell it, but that’s not the case. So, I thought maybe we could get together some time and I could give your phone back. Do you like Justine’s? It’s really good French food, you mentioned French food in some of your texts. It seems like we have a lot in common. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I think we would have a really fun time, oh, and you’ll get your phone back, which I’m really sorry about. ;)
I have had your blue and white polo oxford for the past three years. It is my favorite shirt. Sorry I lied and sorry that you will never get it back. It’s called adverse possession. Google it.
- Erich E
To the NM Crew,
I’m sorry I brought that hooker up to the room in Vegas and got all our shit stolen. She wasn’t even even one of those hot vegas hookers. I guess that’s what you get when all you have to offer is 15 bucks and a line of coke.
Dear Resident of 10th street,
I stole your Shinerbock Cooler. Sorry… that cooler is too fucking awesome for me not to own.