Dear Teachers of America,

There wouldn’t be so many of you getting fired if we didn’t have to pay you so much in the first place.  $40 to $50 G’s a year is actually pretty good for the work you do, which is robotic, and you get three months off in the summer.  AND, before you go getting all upset, don’t argue about how important your job is when all you’ve managed to do so far is help kids in the USA slip way behind all the other developed nations.  Srsly sorry, to the kids.

- anonymous

Dear Mrs. Courtney, my second grade teacher,

Sorry for playing ‘pocket pool’ in front of you so much that you had to call my parents and tell them I may have a ‘problem’. I didn’t realize that you could see what I was doing through my shorts.

- Shawn K

Dear Arts and Sciences Students,
Yes, I am an Education major. No, that does not mean I color in coloring books for homework or babysit children during classes.. I am srsly sorry that I only have 3 classes a week and 4 day weekends every weekend. I am also srsly srry that you work “so hard” doing your assignments for your “difficult” classes, and that you have 5 finals, when I don’t have any!  Also, while I’m at it, srsly sorry that I will likely have a career 8 years before you will (because a you’ll need more than just a bachelor’s degree to get a job). Oh yeah! I’m also srsly sorry that I’ll have a way happier and more interesting life than you will, including paid summers!  After you give up on your 8 years of school, you’re probably just going to settle for a low-wage cubicle job anyways. Come to think of it. I don’t think I’m that sorry…

- Miss E

Dear high school kid that I tutor,
You’re dumber than crap… so dumb, in fact, that special education would not be “special” enough for you.   Additionally, I know teenage girls are desperate and not so smart, but I SERIOUSLY doubt that you are getting as much play as you claim you are…including from the prostitutes you said you got.  Let’s be honest, who’s going to screw the special kid?  I’ve tried, but I sincerely doubt ANYONE can help you.  Srsly sorry.

- Your Tutor

Dear Madame French Teacher,
I’m sorry I haven’t learned anything in your class. Every time I look at you, all I can think about is bending you over my desk. Even though you’re over 40. And you’re married. And I’m a girl…

- anonymous

Dear female student, 4th Period, Bio.
Sorry for googling your boobs in a way you would notice. Normally I’m good at eyeing them discreetly. But if you’re going to wear a really low V neck top and you have at least DD’s… Well, do you blame me?

- Mr. R

Mrs. Julian,

I showed off my nuts the entire semester – literally – by way of free-balling in my short shorts. I thought you’d get bang out of that. Srsly sorry?

- Berns

To the kid in the second row, three desks to the right,
I never remembered your name, all year.   You are, simply put, forgettable.  I apologize for branding you to a life of subdued mediocrity.  I’m a shitty teacher, always have been.

- john K

Mr. Collins,

You were my eighth grade Spanish teacher.  I told everyone that you were gay.  I still think you are gay.  But yeah, sorry I told everyone.

- Thomas

Mrs. Rossham from 7th grade history,

diligent boners – that’s all I got from you and your world history class.  srsly not that sorry.

- Bernardo Velasquez