I am srsly sorry that I literally punched you in the throat and sh*t on your shirt last Friday. Vodka, gratuitous amounts of coke, and Dane Cook do not mix well…
- Likes it Rough
Seriously…a girl tells you she wants rough sex, fantasizes about bondage, and prefers to be submissive in the bedroom, and you insist on vanilla sex all the time? It was sweet that you tried. I mean, you spanked me…once. Srsly sorry for cheating on you, all of you. You were great outside the bedroom, but I’m not about to give up orgasms.
Last month, you brought an audio CD to a white elephant exchange during the football team party. In case you forgot, we work at the school for the deaf. Secondly, it was a Nickelback CD. Sometimes I am sorry we are friends.
- Big Sis
Dear Little Brother,
I am sorry I walked in on you using the vacuum cleaner extension to jerk off. I’m sorry that it freaked me out so bad that I immediately called Mom to tell her about it. However, I feel as though we’re kind of even because this memory is burned into my brain, and now I’ve been scarred for life by seeing your erect penis, something I should have NEVER been anywhere near.
To my 9 year old daughter,
I am seriously sorry you found my big purple rabbit dildo. Maybe you’ll stop looking for your birthday presents in my room.
- Step Mom-in-Law
Dear Douche Bag Step Son-in-law,
I used your toothbrush to clean the toilet and then soaked it in the dirty fish tank water while you were sleeping/passed out. Your abusive behavior towards my step daughter and alcoholism/drug addictions needed to be rewarded. Oh, and the yummy twice baked potatoe I served you that you gobbled right up??? Had cat sh*t in it. Not that sorry.
- your love
Dear Lion Guy,
Srsly sorry I strapped a condom onto your erection & rode you while you slept peacefully Saturday morning. Sure you got scared at first & screamed like a girl, but we both had the greatest orgasms ever…. Round two?
Dear dead mouse under my desk where I rest my feet that I did not see,
I’m sorry for rolling your body around for about 2 hours before finding you. Your smooth soft body made me mistake you for a sock, but it was obvious that you were not a sock when I stuck my toe in your dead mouth.
ex-girl (whichever one will read this first),
I’m sorry that the entire time we could be considered dating there was another girl back “home.” I’m sorry that she constantly sent me titty pictures, sexy voice mails, saucy texts, and strange packages. I’m sorry when you two found out about each other that I was drunk enough to believe I could convince you the other was my cousin. Shits kinda beat up, my bad.
Sorry that I hooked-up with your boyfriend this weekend. Also sorry that I encouraged him to sleep with my friend too. Sorry that you think he’s the greatest boyfriend in the world, and sorry that you think I’m a good friend too. Mostly, I’m just sorry that his d*&^ is really small!
- a weight off my chest
I secretly look at your pictures/posts on FB using a fake account, and laugh about how much more substance I have than you. Maybe that explains why that guy you were obsessed with ditched you for me. I know we used to be ‘friends’ but let’s be honest – you’re not someone that I would’ve considered a friend anyway. Sorry.
Sorry for your ex cheating on you. No offense, but I’d cheat on you too. You smell bad, and you have more of a moustache than he does.
- Stephanie Meyer
Dear English Language,
Sorry about the whole ‘raping you’ and all that. I only did it for the money.
- Horny Roommate
Sorry I used your vibrator on several occasions when you would stay the night at your boyfriend’s… yours just works so much better than mine. It’s not cool, my bad…
Hey Scott, dude. Remember when you found that sh*t in your bed the day after the footy game? Sorry dude, but that was me. I got really wasted and fell asleep on your bed, the toilet was too far away so I took a dump on your bed and walked over to my bed and fell asleep again. I heard you come in a few minutes later, yelling and “woke me up” to see if I knew anything, but let it go after I told you I had been asleep for hours. Srsly sorry, dude.