Dear Mom and the dog,

I’m srsly sorry that you both somehow teamed up to scar me forever. I saw that the dog was chewing on something other than its toy, so I went to pull whatever it was from the dog’s mouth. Welp, you guessed it, the dog had somehow got hold of one of your USED tampons, and that used tampon found its way into my hand… Scarred for life.

- Sam

Husband,

Even after 6 years you can’t make me cum in bed. I mean really, I have done everything except drawn you a road map.  Because you need gps to get a woman off, I sleep with random guys I meet at the bar. Srsly sorry that you think I’m such a good girl.

- creeping wife

To all the stupid people out there.

I am seriously sorry that you don’t have the brain power to make well-reasoned decisions. You live beyond your means. You cannot deduce appropriate moral views; at best you must have them dictated to you. You are inarticulate, brutish, and seem intent on bringing the world down to your level. The saddest part, or perhaps the most merciful, is the fact that you go through life without even realizing just how dumb you are. You should not have a license to drive a car. You should not be allowed to carry a weapon and you definitely should not be allowed to reproduce. I’m seriously sorry that you do not understand that the veil of ignorance can be cast off, the burden of stupidity on the other hand, is forever.

- smarter than you

To all the guys I’ve been with and all the ones in the future,

Sorry I’m too selfish and insecure to tell you I have herpes.  I’ll never tell, sorry, I just can’t.

- Toni

Dear Nearly Everyone,

Merry Christmas? I mean, c’mon, what does a big fat man and flying reindeer have to do with Jesus?  You can keep your crazy myths, and I will keep my 8 nights that are actually meaningful. Sorry pseudo-christians, but you don’t make sense to me.

- Jewish kid

Dear Hammy the Hampster,

You were my loyalist of friends until I went out of town with my parents for two weeks, and forgot to leave you food or water. Sorry that you died confused, searching for any scrap of food, and bathed in a glorious yellow light inside your plastic maze of tubes.

- jonathan pullen

Dear Old Me,
I know you’ve got high hopes and everything, but it might be a good idea to just put those away and start getting accustomed to dollar menus and internet porn.  The real world sucks.

- New Me

Dear Walt,

We slipped in a bunch of penises and boners throughout the films like you asked.  Sorry we couldn’t fit more, we just thought some of your suggestions were way too obvious.

- DISNEY ANIMATORS

Son,
Let me start by saying that even though I’m sorry, this is just as much your fault, since you ARE me.  That being said, I owe you an apology.  It was pretty silly for me to create an imperfect humanity and pin their only hopes for salvation on your brutal torment, torture, and execution.  But hey, RESURRECTING was pretty cool, amiright?!?

- GOD

Dear Lady-friend,

I’m srsly sorry, but when you get your next period, we are through. I think you’ve grown a little too attached to me, which was apparent when you iron-woman gripped my ass when we were having sex and forced me to cum inside. Srsly? I honestly wasn’t expecting that one.

- your violated boyfriend

Dear Jennifer (not her real name),

I don’t often meet women at bars, let alone women that go home with me, but you and I hit it off.  I offered to buy you a drink, you said you didn’t drink (clue #1), then I asked if you wanted to dance, you said the dance floor was too crowded (clue #2).  We chatted it up for a couple hours then I asked you needed a ride home.  All was going well, we were making out and taking off our clothes, when you stopped me to tell me something important.  You we’re pregnant.  Not showing yet, but still pregnant.  Srsly sorry, but something about hooking up with a pregnant women who is still bar hopping, is clearly alienated from the baby-daddy, and totally cool with me “not using a condom because the factory is already in use” did not work for me.  Sorry about the awkward wait for the cab to show up, and sorry that I didn’t have any cash to help you get home.

- anonymous

Dear Girlfriend,

I’ve let it slide for too long, but I’m afraid I can’t hook up with you anymore until you do something about the random long hairs growing near your belly button and around your nipples.  I simply can’t bear to be sucking or kissing your chest and wind up feeling a long coarse hair on my tongue anymore.  It is gross.  Does this happen with every girl? I mean, I love you, but seriously, you must notice these things.  If only I could figure out a way to bring this up to you.  Until then, srsly sorry, but I will be avoiding those places, or you will be keeping your shirt on during sex…

- H.L.

Dear Mom,

I‘m sorry I texted you that I wanted to “do you in the a** like I did last weekend at Johnny B’s party.”  I promise to never date anyone with the same name as you ever again.

- Brandon M

Mark,

Sorry I tricked your Grandma into viewing lemonparty.org.  Seriously though, three sexy old dudes, I thought she’d be into it … at least we got on lamebook, booya.

- Todd

Dear A GUY, and men everywhere,
Sorry you only have one orgasm during sex, while us women have multiple before, during and after sex.  So no…sex is not always about you!  :)

- a very satisfied women