Dear GF,

Srsly sorry that I woke you up by rubbing on your hoohoo. I honestly thought you would like it, and I thought it would be better as a surprise. Sorry that you felt “violated.”  Srsly, though, please don’t hesitate to return the favor.

- sleepy boy

Sorry Jesus,

The first time I ever had a BJ was behind the youth church building, after a youth service, with two girls I just had bible study with.  Was this just your way of getting me to go back to church?  It worked.

- a sinner?

Dear Weed,

Srsly sorry, I love you, but I’m not “in love” with you.  There will be a day when we can come together again, but for now I gotta get sh*t done and not forget every other sentence I have.

- anony-stoner

Dear Muslims,

Now that I’m dead, I just wanted to get this apology out there.  I am srsly sorry that I gave you all a bad name with my extremest views and teachings. So, yah, I preyed on the impoverished and feeble minded to build an army of religious fanatics who would die at my command, all following the radical version of jihad I created from which I had no formal education in whatsoever.  Yeah, my bad. Now none of you can go outside, or wear traditional garb, or especially ride in an airplane, in the western world without receiving uneasy stares and general suspicions from everyone near you.  I guess part of me never thought anyone would actually listen to what I had to say, after all, it was pretty crazy.

- Osama Bin Laden

Dear Trey, my first boyfriend,

Sorry I lied when we were 16 and told you I was still a virgin to get you to have sex with me. You were still a virgin and didn’t want to lose it to someone who wasn’t a virgin too.  I just wanted you so bad at the time that it seemed ok to lie.  Srsly sorry.

- Kelly

Dear Boyfriend,

Srsly sorry, but your pubes are out-of-control.  Sorry but, there comes a point when a girls just gotta say no.  Trimming downstairs isn’t just meant for girls…

- heart you - GF

Dear girlfriend,

Srsly sorry I farted when you shoved your tongue up my a**hole mid-blowjob…. It felt great, but I was just too surprised to contain the fart.

- your flatulent boyfriend

Dear Melissa,

Srsly sorry that you were so offended by my uber-forward advances, but you were dressed as the sluttiest cave-woman at the entire party (it was a ‘prehistoric’ party).  I honestly just figured you had laxed morals.  My bad.

- the guy dressed like a hipster dodo bird

Dear Boyfriend,

I asked you to wake me up by either giving me head or rubbing on my cooch because I thought it would be a really nice way to wake up.  You did, but in my weird dream-sleep state I accidentally called you the wrong name.  Srsly sorry.

- Jenny V

Dear Ben,

I am srsly sorry that I am mis-shapenand there is a 90% chance you would look terrible bald. Also sorry that the balding has accelerated by like, 40 times.

- Your Head

Dear Daughter,

You were an accident.  Srsly sorry.

- Mommy and Daddy

Dear boyfriend,
Sorry that after two years you’re turning into such a douche. Seriously, I don’t need you cussing at me and blaming everything on me that is 100% YOUR FAULT. Also, you’re a momma’s boy. My mom warned me to never date a moma’s boy. She also told me to never date a guy that hits…guess I just didn’t listen too well and trusted you too much. You’re almost 21, you live with your mom, and you constantly complain about it. Get off your dumb ass and do something about it. You have everything available to you, but you waste all of it. I’ll be packing up all your stuff you have at my house, and the gifts you’ve given to me. Next time you come over, you’ll see it sitting out on the curb. I’m done with you. Bye bye, asshole! Enjoy living with your mom until she also finally can’t take it anymore and kicks your ass out!

- FUCK YOU

Dear Girlfriend from Highschool,

This is a two parter.  First, to your parents, sorry we hooked up on their bed.  Second, to you on the same night, sorry that after I spent like 30 minutes rubbing up on you and getting you off, you just decided to be tired and let me suffer with my poor blue balls. Then when I say “at least get me there too” you freak out and get all pissed off.  I guess girls don’t like to hear the truth, but I worked hard to get you off, and fair is fair, so I was expecting a return on my investment.  Sorry for expecting my hard work to be rewarded, I mean really, fair is fair.

- Jacob

Dear ghetto people,

I’m seriously sorry that when you run from the cops I get caught up around your ankles, forcing you to run and hold me up at the same time, or worse falling down and getting caught. Give me a break. I can’t help it if I slow you down, cost too much, and look like a guy’s version of capri pants. Hey at least you look cool wearing me right?

- Your Ghetto Pants

Dear Karl,
I’m sorry that when we were in elementary school we used to lure you to the top of the tire playground pyramid and throw you off.  We only meant to break your collar bone. Unfortunately, that one time, we also broke your foot…… and your spirit, and your heart.

- Dan K