Dear Mel,

You can’t give a man head, and also ask him to tell you when he’s gonna cum so you can bail out.  Like my dad always said, if you’re gonna do something, do it right.  Anyways, I think you over-reacted, but srsly sorry for not warning you and blowing my load in your mouth.

- Jeffrey

Dear Christopher,

Sorry that you’re a d*ck.  I told you I was a virgin to TEST you!  I’m not a virgin, not even close. I couldv’e shown you things you had never seen or done before, but you stopped calling me three days after I told you that. Srsly sorry that you lose.

- Amy

Dear all the females on this site,
Sorry we like to have a good time and that you take shit way too seriously, you should stop bleeding out of your vagina someday. P.S. My balls have dropped and you can get on your knees if you need proof b*tches.

- all the males on this site

Dear boyfriend,
I’m seriously sorry that once a week is not enough for me. And for letting you know it isn’t. Often… I never realized  that me being attractive and having a very high sex-drive might be a problem for you.

- Your "nympho" girlfriend

Dear Teachers of America,

There wouldn’t be so many of you getting fired if we didn’t have to pay you so much in the first place.  $40 to $50 G’s a year is actually pretty good for the work you do, which is robotic, and you get three months off in the summer.  AND, before you go getting all upset, don’t argue about how important your job is when all you’ve managed to do so far is help kids in the USA slip way behind all the other developed nations.  Srsly sorry, to the kids.

- anonymous

Denise,
I secretly made an audio recording of your orgasm, then ‘auto-tuned’ it, and I have been using it as my ring tone for the last two weeks.  It’s awesome.

- Kev

Robbie,

Sorry that I will never share a hotel room with you ever again.  I woke up in the middle of the night to you forcefully trying to spoon me in your sleep.  You have abnormal sleep strength and a creepy sleep giggle, which you made when I finally broke free of your terrible man-embrace.

- Brad

Dear hot Australian I met in Spain,

When you asked me if I wanted to “experience you” you should have mentioned that I was also going to experience Chlamydia.  Please say sorry (in a sexy Australian accent).

- kyle

Laura,

I’m not sorry about having sex with you in the bay at midnight– that was awesome. However, I am sorry that box jellyfish got wedged between my boner and your vag. If it makes you feel any better, my unit now looks like an overcooked hot dog.

- Swollen Member

Dear Wife,

When we got married we made a pact to stay in shape together.  Welp, looks like I am the only one holding up his end of the bargain.  Sorry that you will be getting a shake weight for Christmas.

- anonymous husband

Dear Boyfriend,
I would like to apologize in advance for any actions that may take place this weekend on the bachelorette trip I am taking, but seriously…we haven’t had sex in two months, and we LIVE together. Maybe soon you’ll get your “groove” back…

- horny girlfriend

Dear Kristen,

It was week two of college, we were drunk at a party out in the country, and I thought you were hot.  Soon enough we were out back, stripping down behind a tree.  The tree wasn’t enough cover so we went behind a shed.  The combination of alcohol, college, nipple rings (nice touch btw), the outdoors, and HJ’s got us too excited to realize what that little itch was.  Anyways, sorry about the next day when you no doubt thought I gave you some crazy STD.  I thought the same about you until I realized it was poison ivy… poison ivy everywhere.  Great story, but I’m sorry about that terribly located itch.

- anonymous

To my boyfriend,

I’m sorry I’ve seriously been considering breaking up with you.  But srsly…I’m tired of being a virgin. Tired of waiting for marriage. And even though we don’t have sex…YOU STILL DON’T WANT TO SLEEP WITH ME? Really. All I want is a nice cuddle at night. No hanky panky. Sorry you don’t have any balls and are still worried about what your mother would think. YOU’RE TWENTY DAMN YEARS OLD! GROW A PAIR AND MOVE OUT!

- Unsatisfied, Soon-to-be-Single Girl

Dear Emily,

I’m sorry you’re still in high school. I’m sorry he left to college. I’m seriously sorry he cheated on you. I’m not sorry it was with me. Let’s be honest, did you really think he was going to stay faithful? If you did, SRSLY sorry.

- college girl

Girls from school,
You made fun of me for years for being geeky, nerdy, and whatever else you could call me. Now you’re all pregnant with your second illegitimate baby, uneducated, and working for minimum wage or living off welfare. I have a kick ass job, a fantastic set of natural boobs, and will have a PHD by 25. Sorry you peaked early and have been headed downhill since you turned 16.

- growing up geek