I know that you are supposed to be “cool” and “hip,” but it’s just not working out anymore. Sorry, but your days of scaring off women are over, here comes the razor.
I didn’t realize you were a tranny until half way through our conversation. Srsly sorry about the awful face I made, I’m sure you noticed.
- John Wilkes Booth
Sorry I never gave you my autograph.
- the pooper
Dear Driver’s Seat of my car,
I reaaaaallllly had to take a dump on that trip home to Dallas, and I was late, and there were no gas stations appearing anywhere. Srsly sorry that I literally pooped my pants, and my seat, instead of pulling over and pooping in the bushes or something. In retrospect, it made no sense at all.
Dear Hot Chicks at the Pool,
Sorry about my backne (that’s back + acne). I don’t wanna sound lame, but I totally saw you checking me out… from the front. Then I bent down to get me towel, and I was thinking about saying hi to you, but I saw your face and the awkward pause when you knew that I saw the expression you made. Srsly, sorry about my disgusting backne.
- Bemused Ex-Wife
I’m sorry that I ‘outed’ you to your friends and family, and told them you have no gag reflex. But you shouldn’t have cheated on me when both my mother and my oldest son were in the hospital—my mom was in intensive care!
You called me from Newfoundland the other night. You were in need of hearing a friends voice. I had been drinking and it was late. I told you I was joking when you asked what I was doing..but really, I was watching a porn. So as you talked to me with your sweet voice I was jerking off. Hence why I may have seemed distant…… Sorry.
Sorry that I yogurted on your new leather coach purse. I think that it was mostly your fault for not putting it somewhere clear of the action.
Dear Melissa, and all the people in the theater during the Lord of the Rings (the third one),
We had been dating for like 3 months, and I had always wanted to try it, and I thought you would either go for it, or laugh it off. So I made sure we sat in the back row, and I waited until about 1 hour into the movie, then I did the hole in the popcorn bag trick. You reached for some more popcorn, and I just looked straight ahead at the screen. I am srsly sorry that when you figured out what you were grabbing, you gasped, ripped the bag off my lap, threw it down, and left the theater…. Some call it creepy and unoriginal, I call it legendary.
Dear owner of a black subaru in colorado springs,
Sorry about the major dents and scratches in your car door last weekend. I was a little drunk, and a little confused, when I thought that your black subaru was my black subaru. When my key didn’t work I started ramming the door and trying to force the key. Yeah, I’m a drunk asshole, my car was one block further down the road. While I’m here, sorry about the drunk driving.
Dear big bro,
Sorry about that time when we were kids, and you were trying to be tough, telling me to punch you in your rock-hard abs, but my aim was off. I swung as hard as I could, and connected straight on with your balls. You crumpled like aluminum foil in a microwave. I hope you can still have kids some day!
- your son
Dear Mom and Dad,
Srsly sorry but that emergency $50 I asked for wasn’t so I could buy a tie for the job interview, it was for my STD exam. Guess what, I’ll be needing to buy a few more ties to pay for the meds.
Sorry I peed on you when you spent the night. I usually just pee in my closet when I’m wasted. I really can’t imagine what I was thinking, or what you were thinking when you woke up to a stream of piss on you back, and your boyfriend standing over you in a drunken slumber.
- the Dog
Sorry if you think it’s weird that I sit and stare at you when you have sex. I’ve got nothing else to do, and I find it quite interesting.
- high employee
You are a good Christian man, and I don’t think you know what 4/20 is. Welp, I’m a good Christian man too, but I just lied to you, told you I was sick, and now I’m at home “celebrating” this most joyous of days. Srsly sorry.