Dear Awkward Creepy Home-Schooled Mormon Boy,

So, here’s the thing: you’re really creepy and I just don’t like you. Opening my closed door and walking in without knocking while I was taking a nap was bad enough, but when you said, “I’d like to find an adventure in your vagina” to me, that was the end of line, even if you were “just kidding.” Basically, I’m kinda sorry that I’m not sorry for being a bitch and I’m seriously sorry you can’t take a hint.

- Normal Public-Schooled Athiest Girl

Srsly Sorry to the 4 girls that I am seeing at the moment… you all have special qualities which make it unacceptable for me to let any of you go, even though if you all found out about each other it would be super awkward… I guess i’ll just have to keep juggling you all until it blows up in my face…

- the good guy

Dear Clitoris,

Where are you?

- A Male

Dear Carrots and Cucumbers,

Sorry that I use you for things other than eating.

- horny girl with a vegetable fetish

Dear ex-bf,
Sorry you were so upset after we broke up that it felt like your soul was on fire… that must have really hurt.  But srsly, you shouldn’t have told me… because I told everyone.  Sorry, but I couldn’t help myself.

- the bitch

Dear Scott,

By all accounts, from you and your girlfriend, I apparently came into your room in the middle of night, woke you up and asked you why you would let the “rainbow rabbits jump over my dance floor.” Then I called you lame for not coming to my dance party.  Srsly sorry bro, that’s the last time I take ambien.

- Murf

Dear Police Man,

Thanks for not arresting me the other night.  Truth is, I really was pretty darn drunk, but a mouthful of trident and some eyedrops fooled you somehow.  I don’t want to be self-demeaning, but I’m not even that attractive, as far as hot girls go, so I don’t know how I got off the hook so easily.  It won’t happen again (eh…maybe). Srsly sorry.

- the drunk girl driving home

Dear Osama Bin Laden,

Srsly sorry but, when I said I would give you 40 virgins when you died, I didn’t mention why they were virgins. If you are wondering why you are now surrounded by 40 fat, ugly, and nagging virgins in the afterlife, it’s because you are in Hell, you mass murdering asshole.


Dear Girlfriend, eh-hem, Ex-Girlfriend,

We were immediately attracted to each other, and it was awesome.  Then you required me to get tested.  Srsly sorry about the results.

- anonymous

Dear My boyfriends Balls,
Cosmo gave me a few tips on how to pleasure you, some tips I bet you’d really like. But, I’m srsly sorry cuz I just can’t get over the idea of your moist, hairy, veiny, brainy looking bits anywhere near me. I may be the only only straight girl ever with a ball-phobia.

- The girl

Dear White Americans, especially those in Texas,

F&%$ off with your Cinco de Mayo celebrations.  You are white, and you don’t even know why we celebrate.  Stop using our holiday as an excuse to get drunk off of tequila and margaritas, and to make your crappy green, red, and white cakes where you don’t even put the colors in their right places. Srsly.

- hispanic american

Dear Fiancee,

I cheated on you in Las Vegas a few months ago.  She was this super cute girl who was probably rolling, and I was rolling too and it was just a terrible mistake and I feel really bad about it.  Worst part is, I think I have some kind of STD because I have the itch and weird marks.  If you were wondering why I have been resisting sex or only doing it in the dark, that’s the reason.  So, now that I’ve fessed up anonymously on here, how do I tell you?

- anonymous

Dear “President” Obama,
Srsly sorry that YOU SUCK as president. Shove your “change” up your jiggly butt!

- The People

Dear Buddy, my first dog,

I was 6 years old, and I loved you lots.  I loved you sooooo much I wanted to do everything with you, and I just wanted you to be happy.  You were a little wiener dog, and you were probably the coolest wiener dog to have ever lived.  Well, I am srsly sorry that I contributed to your chocolatey death.  First off, I gave you a ton of it as treats, then I accidentally left the entire bag sitting on the back porch.  You simply couldn’t resist gorging yourself on the delicious chocolate. My parents found you hours later, motionless in a pool of your own vomit… Sleep well my friend, sleep well.

- Chris Tius

Dear Brittany,
Seriously not sorry I’ve been f*cking your boyfriend/baby daddy for the last two years. Seriously not sorry its not gonna stop anytime soon. But mostly sorry, for real, that you choose to live in the delusional world where it’s all my fault. Way to believe a cheater!

- -R