Dear Australian Beauty,

I am srsly sorry that I gave you a fake number, and a fake name that night last summer.  But thank God I did because the condom broke, and I didn’t want to be around to see what the outcome of that was.  Score 1 for international alias’s, score 0 for girls who pull one night stands with international travelers.

- B.K.

Dear baby of terribly over-weight couple in Walmart,

I’m sorry you are doomed to a life of Big Macs, obesity, and tears.

- anonymous

Dear Girls,

Sorry you never have orgasms during sex, really, it’s all about me anyways and you take too long…

- A GUY

Dear obese teenage bore,

It amazes me how mean, racist, snobbish, cruel, and opinionated you are.  You talk of your “boyfriends,” but we all know they don’t exist.  Put down the Cheetos, lose 100 pounds, and you might just avoid a miserable life.  Sorry that I doubt it.

- anonymous

Dear College Roomate Gemma,

Remember that time I told you I tried it in the butt once? And remember that one morning you said that you couldn’t find your vibrator and I told you that you may have left it at your moms when you went there over the weekend? Yeah… About that, I kinda used it, for my… um other hole. It’s okay though cuz I put a condom on it.

- Lexy

Dear Katelynn,

You have gigantic boobs that are bigger than my head, which made up for you being plump and ugly, so I banged you that one night. Why am I bringing this up? Because everytime I go on **(porn-site)**.com to wave hello to my morning wood, I see your picture in the ads with the giant boobs.  That makes me kinda sorry, just saying.

- anonymous

Dear People-who-tell-me-to-get-a-job,

I know you think that you’re doing me a favor every time you bring up my unemployment like it’s something bad or undesirable – but you’re not.  Sorry that I love watching television, reading romance novels and eating all day long. Forget that all my friends have forgotten to talk to me in weeks, I’d rather watch re-runs of the Nanny and eat bacon alllll day long. Yeah.

- anonymous

Dear Drunk-ass teens, late-night at Denny’s,

I literally rubbed your toast on my balls.  You think that stuff only happens in movies, you’re wrong.  You guys were total a-holes, and deserved it.  Hope the loogie-strawberry jam was delicious!

- your waiter

Dear Best Friend,

Sorry I chewed up your shoes, your scarf, your pillows, and, oh yeah, your computer power cord.  They are irresistible.  Srsly, sorry, can we play now?

- Your DOG Charley

Dear Jency,
Sorry we wrote you all those love notes and pretended to be Brad. After finding three letters in your locker, you were totally in love. Sorry that when you went and confessed your love to his face, he had no idea, and you ran off crying. Srsly sorry.

- the girls

Dear female college roommate,

This is one story I’ve never told anyone, and I’ll probably never tell you. One night, I saw you eating a salad with sliced cucumber in it, and when I checked my drawer in the fridge, guess what was missing? My cucumber. The one that I had just used as a DILDO the night before. I put it back in the fridge because I liked the way it felt cold.  Srsly sorry, but I guess that’s what happens when you steal your roommates food.

- anonymous

Dear Panties,

Sorry that I let you slip so easily. It’s just more fun that way. Sorry that I have an unfair double-standard to deal with, but why should guys get to have all the fun?

- horny girl

Dear potential employees,

Seriously sorry that when I choose who I am gonna hire, I always choose the more attractive person.

- Your New Boss

Dear Ex-husband,
I would like to apologize for vandalizing your car by carving the word “Adulterer” on the hood. I was highly distraught when you had come back from a year long tour in Iraq and you told me you were leaving me. But when I found out that you were leaving me for another woman, who you got pregnant while in Iraq, I lost my mind and took it out on your vehicle. I honestly think I got the short end of the stick though since I was the one who ended up paying for it. I spent time in jail, got 2 years probation & have to pay you $4000 in restitution… I think you can get over the fact of what I did now. But I can’t lie when I say if felt good to know you had to drive to work with your car like that.

- Your Ex-Wife of Ten Years

Dear Kylie,

I’m sorry that you thought that you giving me a handjob in the McDonald’s parking lot meant that us being together was a sealed deal. Actually, it had the opposite effect. Don’t get me wrong, the HJ was great, but a girl who gives them out in McD’s parking lot is not really girlfriend material.  Srsly sorry.

- satisfied customer #1,000,000