I’m sorry I got popular and stopped talking to you and made fun of your frizzy hair. In reality, I ended up hating my popular friends, becoming an artsy loner, and being a million times happier because of it. I was young and I was wrong, and I’m forever sorry. Ps, you grew into your beautiful, thick, strawberry-blonde hair :)
Dear young parents in Alamo Square Park,
Srsly sorry that my dog starting humping your young toddler in the park. It was the leash free zone, and I wasn’t really paying attention. Your kid was playing with my dog, apparently my dog thought it was more than friendship. Hope your child isn’t scarred for life!
Dear two year old daughter and nine month old son,
I’m srsly sorry that sometimes I just want fifteen minutes by myself to choke down my lunch or smoke a cigarette. I love you but I need time for me too. :)
I’m really sorry that you’re incredibly socially awkward and not abnormally smart. I’m also really sorry that you’ve never even kissed a boy. I’m not sorry I beat you on the physics test. And I’m not sorry I have good grades AND an active social life. But please stop being mean to me. I’ll never show it, but your snide comments hurt.
- A girl
I’m sorry that I don’t really care about you. I’m sorry that I’ll never hang out with you while I’m sober. I’m seriously sorry that a relationship involving emotions scares the shit out of me.
Sorry that I only went to homecoming with you to make James jealous and evey time we danced I pretended I was with him. Also seriously sorry that when you left, James and I grinded the rest of the dance and fucked pretty much the rest or the night.
Srsly sorry I told you I loved you when you said you loved me. Srsly though, deep down, I don’t. I don’t know why, but I just don’t. I will keep saying it though, as long as you keep f%$#ing me.
- Pooter JonesDear significant other,
I’m seriously sorry for farting while we were laying in bed the other day, and then pulling the covers over your head so you could bask in the ambience of my biff. So seriously sorry…
- Condom Condor
Dear One Night Stand,
I am seriously sorry for the condom that was accidentally attached to my shoe as I departed last night. I did not mean for it to be dragged down the stairs and end up drowning in the middle of your living room floor. I am truly, utterly, seriously sorry! You are too kind to have let me back in to snag my wallet 2 days later.