- your grossed out husband
Srsly sorry, but, just because we’re married now doesn’t make farting on me cool. For the last time, I don’t want to play fart tag with you.
Dear Christian Guilt,
I am in my early 30′s, I don’t believe in the same way that I used to about Christianity. Srsly sorry, but, I shouldn’t have to feel bad about masturbation, so now, I don’t.
Srsly sorry that me and my girlfriend defiled your hot-tub, which sits on your very open balcony, and alarmed your neighbors. Honestly, I blame Jarrod (your son) for leaving the two of us alone up there. We could have been inconspicuous about it, but she was in the mood to be a little crazy, so we stood up and were getting it on in plain view of the world. We didn’t think anyone was looking, but apparently your old neighbors were, and apparently they were so offended that they called you and claimed they saw Jarrod in the act! Haha, so I guess I’m sorry to Jarrod for the sh*tstorm he had to endure when you got home.
- a totally liberated college girl
Dear Freshmen 15,
Fine, you got me, you win. I never thought it would happen to me, but I just looked at a picture of myself from high school, and 15 pounds really does make a difference. Srsly sorry boys, but I’m too drunk to care about a little bit of pudge. I have an inkling that you feel the same way.
- unwilling host
Dear Strawberry Vodka Shot,
You had some chunks of fruit inside of you, and it made me nervous. Also, you had a strong smell, but I agreed to do you anyway while holding my nose. As you swashed down my throat, I gagged a little but wanted to admit it to neither you nor myself. Soon thereafter the forced digestive invasion, though, you were regurgitated all over my friend’s shirt and shoes. I’m srsly sorry that you taste so nasty and that probably no one loves you, even your parents.
Srsly srry that your baby ain’t mine. I told you it wasn’t, but yo made me take the test anyways! Booya, look who was right. Oh, and sorry that you were dumb enough to broadcast it on facebook, and now everyone knows your a sleep-around bia.
Sorry that I am a fully fledged adult now, and I have “responsibilities” like paying the rent, keeping my job, and feeding a kid, so I can no longer partake in your festivities…. Miss ya, always and forever!
- high employee
You are a good Christian man, and I don’t think you know what 4/20 is. Welp, I’m a good Christian man too, but I just lied to you, told you I was sick, and now I’m at home “celebrating” this most joyous of days. Srsly sorry.
- your pals
Sorry about that time in college when we got pulled over on the way home from Spring Break and in a panic we had you eat the entire bag of weed, that you had paid for in the first place. The cop didn’t seem to notice or car that we were all stoned, especially you at that point. Sorry that in our paranoid state, we didn’t want to pull the car over and you were so super stoned that you had throw up out the car window going 70 mph for like 30 minuted. Oh memories.
- high as a kite
Dear Mom, sorry I had you drop me off to spend the night at my best friend’s house Monday night knowing I’d be getting high for the first time. And you know what? I had one of the best times ever. It was so funny. Seriously. I wish I had known sooner it would be that hilarious. I’m almost 19 and I haven’t really done any “bad” stuff so far. Hell, I’m still a virgin. I have to live a little, you know? P.S. to my best friend, sorry I puked after I took that second big hit and scared you half to death.
- the sober smoker
Seriously sorry to all of my loved ones but I am seriously considering suicide at this point. I mean this is the first 4/20 since I started smoking where I’ll be sober. What kind of self respecting stoner is going to be able to remember tomorrow? Man probation’s a bitch.
Thanks for letting me borrow your car when you went on your trip to Spain. I am really sorry that I got really drunk, and really high, and still decided to drive myself home, in YOUR car. I hopped the curb doing 35, but it was late, no cops were around, and I just drove it to your driveway and parked. You got back, I never mentioned it. Sorry.
- backseat allstar
Dear Car Boners,
I miss you. Why don’t you come around anymore? I am sorry that I didn’t take advantage of you when I could have…
Dear homeless poeple,
Srsly, it is a terrible thing that you are homeless, but I might be homeless too if I gave money to every single person that asked me for money. Please stop looking at me like I am a terrible person for not giving you the money I work hard for.
Dear big bro,
Sorry about that time when we were kids, and you were trying to be tough, telling me to punch you in your rock-hard abs, but my aim was off. I swung as hard as I could, and connected straight on with your balls. You crumpled like aluminum foil in a microwave. I hope you can still have kids some day!