Dear Jenny’s friend,

Sorry I said you were shaped like a large potato.  It’s true.  Please don’t ever come on to me in that aggressive manner ever ever again.

- Jeremy C.

Dear Japan,

Srsly sorry about the destruction and the cancer.

- The Tsunami

Dear Alan,

Super sorry we left you 30 phone messages last night, all to the tune of singing Tubthumper.  Not sure why that song was even in play.

- your friends

Dear Girl I was hooking up a few months ago,

Sorry that I asked you if you were liberal or conservative as we were getting naked. Also sorry that I left shortly after you said you were a republican, and did not give you the goods. Sorry but, in the off chance that my little swimmers encounter your little embryo, I gotta know that you’ll take care of that problem. Yup, it’s responsibility mixed with fear and apathy, all three support my very happy lifestyle.

- Jeff L.

Dear GF,

Srsly sorry that I woke you up by rubbing on your hoohoo. I honestly thought you would like it, and I thought it would be better as a surprise. Sorry that you felt “violated.”  Srsly, though, please don’t hesitate to return the favor.

- sleepy boy

Dear Rebecca, my fiance,

I am seriously sorry that I have fantasized about your mom when we have sex. To all the men reading this, if you can’t fantasize about your wife’s mom, you’re in trouble.  That’s what she’s gonna look like some day.

- D.H.

Dearest Father,
I was having phone sex with my bf who was out of town and he convinced me to finally do the whole cucumber thing.I didnt know what to do with it so I washed it and put it back since you hate it when we waste food. Im sorry that you ate it for lunch the next day…I can never eat another cucumber for as long as I live.

- Horny Daughter

Dear Owners,

Sorry if you think it’s weird that I sit and stare at you when you have sex.  I’ve got nothing else to do, and I find it quite interesting.

- the Dog

Dear Yvonne,

Sorry I peed on you when you spent the night. I usually just pee in my closet when I’m wasted. I really can’t imagine what I was thinking, or what you were thinking when you woke up to a stream of piss on you back, and your boyfriend standing over you in a drunken slumber.

- jackson

Dear Mom and Dad,

Srsly sorry but that emergency $50 I asked for wasn’t so I could buy a tie for the job interview, it was for my STD exam.  Guess what, I’ll be needing to buy a few more ties to pay for the meds.

- your son

Dear Ihop Waitress,

Sorry that I was passed out drunk on the table by the time you brought out my pancakes. Surely you hate that job as it is, and dealing with drunk ass kids at 3 in the morning who call you Mrs. Pancakes, then pass out and don’t pay doesn’t help.

- anonymous

Dear Skeeter,

Sorry that we’re all inadvertent racists, and instead of just making you the black kid, we made you blue instead.

- Doug Funny

Dear owner of a black subaru in colorado springs,

Sorry about the major dents and scratches in your car door last weekend.  I was a little drunk, and a little confused, when I thought that your black subaru was my black subaru.  When my key didn’t work I started ramming the door and trying to force the key.  Yeah, I’m a drunk asshole, my car was one block further down the road.  While I’m here, sorry about the drunk driving.

- G.H.

Charlie Sheen,

I heard that you want to have a third woman living with you and that you’ve tried but had no luck on that. You also said that ‘if anyone could manage juggling lots of women, it would be me.’ Sorry son, but that was actually me, I’ve had 3 Goddesses living with me, and my own show made because of them. I was winning before you were even a tickle in your daddy’s ball sack.

- Hugh Hefner

Dear College Library,

Sorry that I had a weird fascination with masturbating in public places my freshmen year, and you were my favorite spot. I used you for your semi-clean bathroom stalls, I fess up!

- anonymous