Dear American Economy,

Srsly sorry that even if every American paid 100% of their income as taxes, we would still be in debt up to our eyeballs. We’re srsly f%$#ed.

- a young American

Dear soon to be ex husband,

I am sorry for serving you divorce papers, but it wouldn’t be necessary had you not cheated on me with a hooker and a 17 year old to name a few, oh, and because of that time you hit me because I didn’t want to screw your lying, cheating, whiskey smelling ass.  I’m sorry that you are not invited to my divorce party where I plan to make a pinata in your image.  I seriously hope you get raped by a pack of wild dogs.  :-)

- Anon3

Dear Derrick,

Sorry I bit too hard when I was giving you head. In my defense, you asked me to nibble, and I guess I just nibble harder than other girls.

- you know who

Dear Portland,

Srsly sorry that the Nike campus is the only reason your entire city hasn’t sunk underneath the incredible weight of all your hipsters.  Srsly, do any of them have jobs, or do they just live in the trees?

- moving soon

Dear Kari,

Srsly sorry that I convinced you to go skinny dipping with me when we went camping last summer. It was super sexy when you actually agreed, and we started gettin’ at it in the lake, when a boy-scouts troop hiked right through our camp site.  Haha, I don’t know who was more mortified, you or the boy-scout leader, but those scouts got a show they wouldn’t normally get for another few years, lucky boys…

- Cody

Dear Nasty Uncircumcised Boy,

I was gonna give you head, but your ‘head’ smelled like goat cheese.  Srsly sorry, but that’s gross.  If you’re gonna allow you dick to wear a hoody all the time, learn how to wash it right!

- Veronica C

Dear Vagina,

Srsly sorry I let that d-bag and his tiny penis anywhere near you. I had a few too many, and the more drinks I had the less douchebaggy his Ed Hardy shirt became. It won’t happen again, I swear!

- jennifer

Dear Sleeping Person,

I only want to nuzzle up next to you because you are so warm and soft.  I never meant to bite you, you just smelled so good and I lost control of myself.  Sorry.

- Bed Bugs

Dear Amy,

Srsly sorry, but we’re 25 years old, and only getting to second base on the third date feels more like losing than winning.

- that guy you were dating

Dear Kelly’s Dad,

Sorry we abducted your family dog and shaved our initials in him. In retrospect, we should have just shaved penises in him so we wouldn’t have been caught.

- CJ and KL

Dear butt-hole,
Srsly sorry that I forced that impossibly large, round, and extremely lumpy poop out of you last night. It started coming out, then just kinda got stuck. It was too late to suck it back in, thus the 10 minutes of gripping the toilet seat and bearing down hard enough to break a sweat and draw some blood. Srsly sorry that today you’ve felt like you’ve been anally probed by a 12 inch penis. Too bad I’m not into that, or I probably wouldn’t be apologizing right now. Srsly sorry for the trauma, I’ll start eating better so it hopefully doesn’t happen again.

- Vickee

Dear man on the train,
Srsly sorry I told you that you were on the wrong train, when you were actually on the right one. You got off and it left without you. I didn’t do it deliberately, I was only trying to help. If its any consolation i only enjoyed stretching out into your seat a little bit.

- James

Dear Office-Mate,

Srsly sorry that you are so out of shape that you wheeze and puff even while sitting at a computer. Sorry that we all call you Wheezy when you’re not around, but really, your constant hacking and wheezing every day makes me want to rip my skin from my flesh.  Srsly.

- your co-worker

Dear Adrian,

I think I ruined our relationship by asking for anal sex, but I didn’t know that so many things could go so wrong with it. Now we can barely even look at each other. Srsly sorry.

- Brandon

Dear Older Half-Brother,
You said you were joking that night we started talking about sex and stuff, but sorry I was down with your reasoning of we could have sex and it wouldn’t be *as* bad since we’re only half-siblings. Also, srsly sorry I’ve been trying to figure out some ingenious way to bring up that subject again to see if you’d propose that same idea. Because I’m still, to this day, debating on whether to say no. :l

- little sister