Srsly sorry about my serious misuse of your product. I was a young teenager, trying to figure myself out, and I used to stick your markers up my butt. I’m definitely straight now, but that was a weird time for me. Sorry to my sister who I let use the markers later-on. Don’t worry, I cleaned them ;)
Dear Random Girl that was clearly looking for some action,
You tractor-beamed in on me at the end of the night, and it was clear as to what you wanted. Srsly Sorry that I got your hopes up when I took you home, came inside, and got naked, but then nothing happened. I couldn’t help that I was struck by whiskey-d*ck, but I think it might have saved me from an STD or worse. So, thank you whiskey-d*ck!
Sorry my dog attacked you during sex that one time. Things were getting pretty rough though, and he had to protect his momma. Your ass will be fine, just 4 stitches cry baby.
Dear Family Friends,
Sorry you had to witness me come home wasted drunk on Saturday night. I was trying to sneak in, who would have guessed you guys would still be around, hanging with my parents who normally go to bed at like 9 o’clock. Sorry for the yelling and throwing up soon after.
Srsly sorry that I laughed at your small penis. If you hadn’t had lied about the size in the first place, then I wouldn’t have been so surprised when I actually saw it. Srsly lame dude.
Sorry that your ex-girlfriend was copping a feel on my junk as we all sat in the hot-tub together. That’s why I couldn’t get out and help you grab some beers, my boner had inhibited me. Srsly, I hope you are over her.
- Garrett K
Dear Little Chubby Toddler in the Subway,
Srsly sorry that me and my friends were messing around, playing tag while waiting for the train. Also sorry that your mom let you wander off a little, and I accidentally barreled into you, sending you flying a couple feet, then sliding a few feet more. You seriously looked like a fat little potato sliding on the ground. Sorry little guy!
Srsly sorry I used to let your beloved Min Pin lick me….you know where. That’s why his nose always smelled like corn chips. I’m also srsly sorry I got some sick twisted pleasure when he’d give you guys kissies on the mouth after just being all up in my hoohoo.
- Effed Either Way
Dear more than an eff-buddy,
Srsly sorry I didn’t come back when I said I would the other night. I like having sex with you, you like having sex with me, and things have never been easier than they are when we’re alone together, but the thing is that you’re seriously bad for me. You’ve unintentionally effed me over emotionally more than you’ve effed me in general, and that means we’re doing this eff-buddy thing wrong.
- your son
Sorry that as a kid I used to stuff my used Big league Chew under the back seat of the car. I just remember you got pissed if we threw anything out the window, and I was afraid to swallow it because I didn’t want it in my guts for 7 years, and Big League Chew looses its flavor after like 3 minutes, so I had to replenish often, and under the seat seemed like the best place to deposit my gummy chew.
- Grossed Out Ex
Dear funkyb1tchwh0r3 ex-gf,
Kinda sorry I broke up and said it was because of your vag, but srsly, that sh*t smelled like a dirty senior diaper filled with curry flavored b-dubs wings dipped in an unwiped ass. Ick. Srsly, douche, do some sit-ups, get a face lift and nose job, and see a psychiatrist.
Srsly sorry I vomited all over you and the policeman at that high school party. But I was super super sh/tfaced. And the fact that you called the cops on me upset my tummy at the time. Srsly sorry you sucked as parents.
- didn't mean to be racist
Dear African American Man,
Really, I am seriously, seriously sorry about mistaking you for a panhandler… I was in a super hurry and you stopped me right in the spot where panhandlers usually hang out. After I ignored your approach and ran off, the confused look on your face told me I had made a really stupid mistake. You probably just wanted directions or something. So sorry about that… I feel like an ass.
Seriously sorry about the next few days when your going to be over milked due to me buying so much of it. It’s always been my dream to bathe/swim in milk and dunk cookies in there and eat them. Most of it will be wasted so yeah….. get your udders ready.
- Cody and Kevin
Sorry that we, your more sober friends that night, didn’t warn you not to hook up with that nasty girl. She was a “dick-hunter” and you were drunk as shit. Srsly though, we feel bad about not stopping you now that you have the herp.