- Guy without a bed frame
Dear Stuck-Up B*tch (you know who you are),
Sorry that you walked out on me just because I don’t have a bed frame for my bed. Srsly, you came all the way over to f$#@, just to walk out because of that! C’mon.
To Richard, my roommate,
Sorry about that time I came home drunk and ate your entire jar of pickles, then proceeded to throw up in my sleep all over the couch that is also yours. Best roommate ever?
- the Founding Fathers
Dear King George III,
Dear runners on the trail,
Sorry I left my dogs soupy poop on the trail, but honestly there was nothing I could do about that. Very srsly sorry to the woman who’s dog then ran up and starting licking it. Gross.
Sorry that I was too lazy to turn off the mower, stop, bend down, and pick up that semi-large fallen tree branch in the yard. Instead, I decided to see if the lawn mower could handle it, and chop it all up or whatever. Srsly sorry that srsly killed the mower with that move.
Dear Winnie the Pooh,
Sorry I always end up bringing you down. Life is hard with a detachable tail. Oh shucks, I lost it again.
- Grant L
Dear Little Ants in your little ant world,
Sorry me and my brother would seek out your ant hills, then flood them with soda when we were kids. Sorry that you all drowned in a sweet, sugary tsunami.
Sorry I hooked up with your twin sister, on your bed. She was like a hot female version of you, I couldn’t help myself.
- Girl at the Club
Dear Hot kid at the Club,
Seriously, sorry I let you finger me at the club, even though it was amazing. You got nothing back, even though I told you I would return the favor. Srsly sorry you trusted me with that responsibility. you should learn not to trust girls like that, including me.
I’m sorry that you are 5’2″, overweight and mid-fifties but still think you can hit on 5’9″ twentysomethings. Sorry I never responded to your advances and compliments. You made me feel incredibly awkward. Sorry you overheard me talking shit about your crappy restaurant. And especially, seriously sorry for the unemployment and sexual harassment case you’re about to have to deal with. Sometimes karma can’t come fast enough.
- bet you miss me
Srsly sorry your new girlfriend is no where near as pretty as me.
I’m srsly sorry that I haven’t worked out since… well ever. Compulsory excercise in school doesn’t count, I know, but I think you are partly to blame because you always complain when you’re told to do something moderately demanding. Also, it could be worse. You could be fat and ugly, but you’re neither, so… high five! Right? …No?
Dear Girl on the Treadmill Next To Me,
Seriously sorry I let that horrendous fart slip while you were running next to me. It was really really bad, but it was an accident! I didn’t know what to do, so I finished the mile and bolted!
I’m sorry after the fifth time we broke up I told everyone about your “fetishes”, yeah I mean the poop fetish, the pee fetish, the foot fetish, the armpit fetish. Oh and Im also sorry I told them about how you wanted me to get your G-spot (in your a**) and how you drank my piss. Totally really sorry.. but hey, it’s true.
- Totally Blew It
Dear Joann, if that’s your real name,
You, a stranger in another state, stole my identity. You didn’t know I would track down your email, cell phone, and home address and enter them in every porn and spam site on the net. Then I turned it all over to the detective. I’m sorry I called you, said I know who you are, and demanded that you stop. You fled the day before he served the warrant. I don’t know if he ever found you. Srsly sorry for tipping you off.