Dear awesome girlfriends,
Sorry that I never stayed mentally present during the many, many incredible BJ’s and sexual acts you gave me…I let insecurities get the better of me and found solace in removing myself through mental fantasies…

- Epiphanies

Dear Super Awesome Husband,

Srsly sorry that since I moved in with you 2 years ago, you’ve gained a few extra pounds. You’ve told me on several occasions that it’s my fault for feeding you so well and being such a good cook. But I still love you and find you just as sexy today as I did the day we met. But more important, I love you more each day than the day before.

- Happy To Be Your Wife

Dear iPhone,

Srsly sorry I dropped you, and shattered the glass to hell. But WTF AT&T insurance plan?  You don’t cover drops?  Then why the hell did I have insurance?

- pissed off

Dear Vagina,

Seriously, I’m sorry for letting Adam f%$# you without wrapping it up. I know he’s a good for nothing scum bag who probably cheats on me, but I let him do it anyways. Don’t worry though, I’m dumping him and getting tested tomorrow. Srsly, sorry.

- Megan

I was the kid that used to smear his boogers everywhere.  Srsly sorry if you ever encountered me or my trail of nose goblins!

- older Paul

Dear Stephanie,

You were actually a sorta pretty girl, even though you had a weird spot of freckles on your upper lip. I confess, me and my friends were the ones who started calling you “sh*t-lips” behind your back. Srsly sorry that it really caught on.

- peter from 9th grade

Dear College,

Sorry I had to go. I miss you.

- graduated

Roommate,

Sorry I masturbated with you in the room and awake… sitting above me on our bunk bed. Srysly sorry, but watching tv just gets me horny sometimes, I can’t help myself!

- anonymous

Dear Girlfriend,

Sorry I just remembered that today is Valentine’s Day.

- I'll figure something out

Dear Bryan,

Sorry that my dad called you “some sort of homo” to your face when you came to my house to spread rose petals all over my room before I got home for Valentine’s day last year. Sorry that you then broke up with me because you thought my family was ‘unaccepting.’  My dad is awesome, and maybe you are a homo!

- Jency H

Dear Boyfriend,

Sorry that I won’t do some of the crazy sh*t you ask me to do in bed, even on V-day. I’m pretty sure porn has skewed your vision of reality. Oh, and that one thing you keep asking about, it’ll never ever happen.

- girlfriend

Dear Valentine’s Day,

Srsly, f$#@ you and your romantic propaganda. Sorry that I am not rich, and cannot afford to take my girlfriend out for expensive dinners and horse-carriage rides through the park.  Thanks for brainwashing my girlfriend, and making me look bad, again.

- Jerrod

Dear Monica,

Srsly sorry that I could never get you to wear the edible undies I got you for Valentines Day last year. I love you, but you’re kinda a prude sometimes. Happy V-Day!

- James

Dear A.K.,
Sorry that my size has stopped you from getting a date for Valentines Day. I mean who knew being fat was a turn off for women. Maybe it’s for the best though, because even if a girl did put out, she’d see the stretch marks on me.

- Your Stomach

Dear slut who slept with my boyfriend in Yellowstone a few summers ago,

Srsly sorry for mailing you that anonymous STD card telling you that you might have HIV. I lied. But I still hope it scares the hell out of you. =)

- Anonymous