- girl who owns them
Dear Puffy Nipples,
Sorry that you can’t get hard.
Seriously sorry that you are under the misconception that girls don’t poop. You are way too smart to really believe that. I am also sorry that on more than one occasion, I have been pooping while talking to you on the phone, only you didn’t know it. Well, now you do. I hope you will still call me cause you are my best friend. Seriously sorry.
Dear Jar of Ladybugs in Elementary school,
I thought I had a great idea – I picked out a bunch of you guys during recess and put you in a jar with random leaves “to eat” and some twigs to climb. My class adopted you all as our new pet. We didn’t know what we were doing. It must have been a horrible way to go… There were like 20-30 of you guys in there. Srsly Sorry.
Dear Mom and Dad,
Srsly sorry that I used to get high on the roof before you got home. Bet you didn’t know that the first time I got high was because I found your secret stash.
- Better than you Banker
Dear 90% of Americans,
Sorry that we make $500,000 bonuses and you get $10 gift cards to Applebee’s from your bosses. Guess what, maybe you should work at a hedge fund, like me. Its easy to make a crap-ton of money when you can just create it yourself, srsly, out of thin air, instead of actually producing any products or coming up with any ideas. Man my life is sweet.
- notice the obvious
Dear Austin Motel,
Sorry that your sign looks like a giant penis. To all the motels, clubs, and everywhere around the world with penis looking signs, I am sorry. You would think that you would have noticed that before paying a few grand to make your signs.
Dear my freshman year roommate,
All throughout freshmen year of college I had a secret crush on you, because I was secretly in the closet. Srsly sorry that I did some creepy stuff, like watch you sleep, and that I stole one of your worn t-shirts when we moved out of the dorms and used it as a pillowcase all sophomore year.
- Andrew L
Sorry that when you asked if your outfit made you look fat, I said the outfit had nothing to do with it. Srsly, I like a big girl anyways.
- Your new baby girl
Sorry that I destroyed your vagina when you gave birth to me. Srsly sorry, I ravaged that thing. Good thing you love me so much!
Dear Party Bus (Ryan’s bachelor party, 2007),
Srsly sorry for getting woman sex juices all over the back row, and then splooging all over the seat and handle. I met the girl spur of the moment, and we had nowhere else to go but the party bus. You might want to blame the driver for abandoning his post, and leaving the doors open. And sorry to Chase who unknowingly passed out in the splooge seat when we all got back on to drive home!
Dear Steven, my roommate senior year,
Sorry that I forgot to lock the door and you walked in on me yanking one out, to Anime. Srsly sorry that the Anime weirded you out so much, but really, those girls are hott.
Dear Guardian Angel,
I’m not so sure you exist, but if you do, srsly sorry for taking you for granted and doing dangerous stupid sh*t all the time. I mean drunken bungee jumping? Drugs every night? Oh and I almost forgot that time I tried to race the police officer while I was high on pcp. It’s a human thing you wouldn’t understand. Sorry for making you work so hard though.
We had been dating for about 6 months when I finally met your mom. She is a laaaaaaarge woman. Sorry that I broke the relationship off a few weeks later, but seeing your mom was like seeing a mirror image of you in 30 years.
I like the way you feel, if you didn’t smell so bad, we could be friends. Srsly sorry.
- James R
Sorry that when I was a kid, I hid my dead turtle under my bed when he died. He was my pal, and I wanted to keep him. You didn’t find him until the whole house smelled awful, and there was a permanent decaying flesh stain in the carpet. Srsly sorry.