Srsly sorry that when I came into work the other morning feeling really “sick,” I should have said really hungover. Actually, I was still drunk.
Dear Girl I found in my bed on Spring Break,
I was wasted, I got into a bed, you were there already. It was spring break, and it was dark in the room. We made out and fondled each other, and when I woke up in the morning you were gone. I don’t even know who you are. Srsly Sorry for infiltrating your bed, but I think you liked it.
- Psycho Free
I am seriously sorry I had to call the cops on you, when you wouldnt take the hint I didnt want to be with you anymore. Seriously sorry My new boyfriend had to toss you all over my front yard when you showed up. Seriously sorry I had to change my number because you wouldnt stop calling. Wait did I say sorry?!? I meant GOOD RIDDANCE!
- Sean K
Dear Eric Mally,
I f*$#ing hate you. You made my life awful everyday on the bus in middle-school. Now that we are in our mid-twenties and I have a college education and a solid job, I can let it go, but I can’t even express how happy I was to see you working at the gas station on Guadalupe. Srsly sorry that karma is a bitch, especially to d*ckhead bullies.
- your son
Srsly sorry that I got caught masturbating in the school bathroom when I was in high school. That must have been a weird call for to get from the principal.
Dear roommates, from two years ago summer,
Sorry I was too drunk to realize that the girl I was hitting on was actually a hooker. I should’ve know by the slutty outfit, the fact that we met outside the bar on a street corner, and her readiness to get in a cab with me. Sorry I brought her home, let her go down on me, and then refused to pay her anything. Lastly, sorry she flipped out and broke the flat-screen on her way out the door.
- wishing i was still a kid
You were the best stuffed animal I ever had, and you were way cooler than the wussy “Flounder” in The Little Mermaid. Sorry that I left you behind at the beach on accident one day, and cried all night when I realized I lost you. I figure, just maybe you made it to ocean where you belong. Srsly sorry that you probably got picked apart by seagulls.
- you now ex-best friend
Dear Best Friend from lower school,
Srsly sorry, but the first time you invited me to your house, I had an upset stomach, and when I went to use your toilet, you didnt have any toilet roll. So.. I kinda rummaged through your laundry basket and used a sock to wipe. That’s kinda sorta the reason I bailed out of your house so early. Srsly sorry.
Apparently, I hurt your feelings the other night when I said you were wearing your “douche-bag uniform.” Srsly sorry, I didn’t think guys who only wear Ed Hardy and Affliction tees were so sensitive.
- Delt house
Dear Kappa Sig house,
Srsly Sorry, but you started this prank war. Please enjoy the terribly awful smell consuming your entire frat house. Good luck finding the dead, decaying skunk that is stuffed up in one of your many a/c vents.
- Nutria aka R.O.U.S.
Dear Hurricane Katrina and the U.S. Army Corp of Engineers,
Srsly sorry that y’all are catching a lot of flak for the levees failing, but, let’s be honest, we didn’t exactly transport ourselves out of South America in order to be used as coats.
- The Army Corps of Engineers
Dear New Orleans,
So… sorry that our crappy levees made your city flood after a CAT 5 storm. Oh wait, it was a Cat 3?… Oh… But come on, there was only so much we could do with paper-mache and popsicle sticks. Srsly, though, sorry.
- Carrots and Cucumbers
Srsly sorry but, I’m a vegetable, you’re supposed to eat me. I guess what you do with me is up to you, but would you please take a shower first next time.
- Hurricane Katrina
Dear New Orleans,
Why you decided to build an entire city under sea level, I’ll never know… So, I guess this is long over due, and I guess I’m sorry? But I mean, I’m a hurricane, I was just being me. Oops.
So…you really were not that drunk, but you tried to hook-up with my cousin. Apparently you had the most massive case of whiskey-dick known to man. The whole house knew. We all teased you mercilessly. And you still thought you’d get another shot. Not so much. It probably sucked that a houseful of 20-somethings knew that you couldn’t perform…srsly sorry for…never mind. You really shouldn’t have had the issue.