Dear ghetto people,

I’m seriously sorry that when you run from the cops I get caught up around your ankles, forcing you to run and hold me up at the same time, or worse falling down and getting caught. Give me a break. I can’t help it if I slow you down, cost too much, and look like a guy’s version of capri pants. Hey at least you look cool wearing me right?

- Your Ghetto Pants

Dear Brittany,
Seriously not sorry I’ve been f*cking your boyfriend/baby daddy for the last two years. Seriously not sorry its not gonna stop anytime soon. But mostly sorry, for real, that you choose to live in the delusional world where it’s all my fault. Way to believe a cheater!

- -R

Dear guy,
First of all, I guess I’m sorry for not remembering your name even though we had sex last night. Second of all, sorry it was cut short, but I was NOT in the mood for anything after you threw up in the sink after having a glass of water. I shouldn’t really have been there anyway, so, last but not leat, sorry to me for getting to drunk to stop myself from having bad revenge sex. I guess it was an interesting and learn -worthy experience, but I do hope it never happenes, ever, again.

- anonymous

Dear girls on dating websites,

Srsly sorry that you think we want to date you. We only sign on to these things to get us some easy pussy.

- "Joe"

Dear Business Partner,

Taking a plea deal for being involved in a child porn distribution ring is not something you can brush off.  Thanks for wasting a year of my life and destroying our legitimate business by changing your name and hiding all that information from me.  There are some things in life you just can’t escape from, kiddie porn is one of those things.  Sorry we had to have security escort you out of the building, kicking and screaming.  I am mostly srsly sorry to myself for not doing a more thorough background check…. Kiddie porn ruins lives.

- your old business partner

Dear Brandon,

We were best friends as kids, so we had a ton of sleep-overs, and I think it’s time I fess up to what happened one of those nights.  Usual boys sleepover consisted of watching a movie then maybe prank calling a girl or two, which we did.  Well, we drank a ton of soda and then went to bed.  I must have woken up in a weird sleep stupor, having to pee really bad, and I went into the bathroom and started peeing.  Somehow I forgot to lift the lid and I pissed all over the place, the wall, the floor, everywhere.  Guess what happens next, there was no TP or paper towels or anything, and being a kid, half-asleep in someone elses house, I didn’t even think to venture to the kitchen to find some.  So, I grabbed the nearest thing which was your bath towel, and cleaned up all the piss, then put the towel back on the rack.  I think I thought no one would notice.  Anyways, I left early the next day, and never mentioned it.  I don’t know what the aftermath was, but I hope you didn’t accidentally use that towel.

- Greg G

Dear Kids,

You walked in me and your dad getting it on, reverse cowgirl style, in the middle of the afternoon.  I can only hope you are young enough still where you won’t remember this some day, but I have a feeling that vision may scar you forever.  Srsly sorry.

- Your Parents

Dear Mexican Family at the Camp Grounds,

You were out trying to have a nice family outing with your four small children, and one tent.  We were out trying to party, because that’s what camping is for.  So, we had a few drinks and we were throwing the football around to each other.  One of the passes was way off, but I went for it at full speed, drunkenly lost my balance, and went tumbling THROUGH the side of your tent.  At that moment, four little children came running out of the tent screaming in fear at the strange drunk guy who just slammed through their tent. I think I kinda landed on one of them, but she seemed ok.  Anyways, srsly sorry that I ruined your only tent, literally ripped a gaping hole in the side.  At least I had a $100 bucks on me to make it up to you, slightly, and at least it wasn’t cold that night.  I blame myself, and the overcrowded camp-grounds for putting camping spots so close to one another.

- Matt S.

Dear Melissa,

You said you didn’t mean to steal my guy in the first place, that you two just happened to fall for each other, even though he was clearly my BF.  Well, seriously sorry that we’re in highschool, and you got preggers, but it’s kinda like karma.  Baby karma.  Say goodbye to your youth and fun times all together.

- Jenny P.

Mom,

I am seriously sorry about the booger wall behind my bed.  I stored up at least 8 years worth of boogers, and I don’t think you could cover that up with any amount of paint layers.

- Bradley... your son

Dear Turntable.fm,

Sorry but I just discovered Spotify.  You were cool, for like, a day.

- anonymous music lover

Andrea,

Last semester one morning I woke up in your tub, there was throw up on the ground near the toilet.  I assume it was mine.  I was way too hungover and sore from sleeping in a tub to clean it, so I just got up and stumbled home.  Srsly sorry.

- your pal Evan

Dear Doorman at the Lofts,

Srsly sorry you overheard me call you the “marshmallow man” from Ghostbusters.  You are large, and a whitey, but it’s still insensitive as all get up.  I’m a bitch sometimes, but I’m gonna bring you some cookies, or a fruit basket, or something to make it up to you.

- tenant in 1302

Dear Girlfriend from Highschool,

This is a two parter.  First, to your parents, sorry we hooked up on their bed.  Second, to you on the same night, sorry that after I spent like 30 minutes rubbing up on you and getting you off, you just decided to be tired and let me suffer with my poor blue balls. Then when I say “at least get me there too” you freak out and get all pissed off.  I guess girls don’t like to hear the truth, but I worked hard to get you off, and fair is fair, so I was expecting a return on my investment.  Sorry for expecting my hard work to be rewarded, I mean really, fair is fair.

- Jacob

Dear Nasa,

Seriously sorry that you died… we all miss you.

- to infinity and beyond...