- your girlfriend
Sorry that, on the night we got together, in the process of drunkenly trying to sleep with you I sort of crushed your nuts. It takes a considerably manly man to continue getting naked with a chick after that. If I could remember what the flip happened after that, or indeed that it happened, I’d be even sorrier than I am now. Thanks for making it past the six month mark, actually.
- Jeff L
Calling yourself “morally-relaxed” is an understatement. More like “vaginally-loose.” Srsly sorry I ever dated you.
- horny girl with a vegetable fetish
Dear Carrots and Cucumbers,
Sorry that I use you for things other than eating.
Sorry that you had to wash crusty socks all throughout high school. Now that I do my own laundry, I realize that jacking-off into socks is not the most discreet way to get the job done.
Dear brothers of Pi Kapp,
Sorry that I got us kicked out of the country club for life after getting really drunk, stealing a golf cart, and driving it into the lake. I blame the party committee for having Formal at a golf course, this was bound to happen.
- a dude
Dear girls everywhere, and especially Denise K,
Sorry but, I simply cannot date you if you opt to toss my salad within three dates. I didn’t even really want it, but you were so persistent that I let it happen. Srsly though, actually dating a “salad tosser” is out of the question.
- Your Ex-Wife of Ten Years
I would like to apologize for vandalizing your car by carving the word “Adulterer” on the hood. I was highly distraught when you had come back from a year long tour in Iraq and you told me you were leaving me. But when I found out that you were leaving me for another woman, who you got pregnant while in Iraq, I lost my mind and took it out on your vehicle. I honestly think I got the short end of the stick though since I was the one who ended up paying for it. I spent time in jail, got 2 years probation & have to pay you $4000 in restitution… I think you can get over the fact of what I did now. But I can’t lie when I say if felt good to know you had to drive to work with your car like that.
Sorry I couldn’t stop laughing after you jizzed in your pants. I didn’t realize that actually happened to guys. But since you haven’t spoken to me since, I think I might have hurt your feelings. Srsly sorry.
Mom and Dad,
I may have lied a little when I said I wasn’t sure what set off the smoke detector or why there was a half-burned stuffed animal hidden in the garage. He had to die. In retrospect I should maybe have tapered off the medication a little more slowly, but hey, I was thirteen.
As I sit in class, a guy next to me is sneaking drinks of malt-liquor from his backpack. Thanks community college! Srsly sorry to my future.
I was like half way through my racist joke when I realized it was a bad idea to say at the dinner table with your parents. Sorry about that, but the awkward silence after was epic.
- satisfied customer #1,000,000
I’m sorry that you thought that you giving me a handjob in the McDonald’s parking lot meant that us being together was a sealed deal. Actually, it had the opposite effect. Don’t get me wrong, the HJ was great, but a girl who gives them out in McD’s parking lot is not really girlfriend material. Srsly sorry.
- Chester the Dog
Listen, it’s not my fault that I sexed up some hot doggie tail, and she happened to give me fleas. It was well worth it. I am srsly sorry that I spread the fleas to you, but like I said, well worth it.
- The Citizens of 49 of the United States
Dear snow and cold weather,
WTF?!?!?!?! 49 of our 50 states right now….including Hawaii? REALLY? Srsly sorry, but at least here in the south, you are NOT wanted! GO AWAY!!!!!!