Dear potential employees,

Seriously sorry that when I choose who I am gonna hire, I always choose the more attractive person.

- Your New Boss

Dear Panties,

Sorry that I let you slip so easily. It’s just more fun that way. Sorry that I have an unfair double-standard to deal with, but why should guys get to have all the fun?

- horny girl

Dear Brock,

Sorry that, as a guest at your house, I ate the last of your CTC.  Cinnamon Toast Crunch is by far the best cereal ever, and I couldn’t resist. Srsly though, not cool that I finished off your box.

- shaun

Dear Roommate,

Sorry I let my cats use your toothbrush as a toy, but they loved it so much I just couldn’t stop them. Srsly sorry I put it back and didn’t tell you.

- anna

Dear S,

So sorry I gave your name, address, and phone number to every trade school recruiter I could find. Also, sorry I gave your info to the church of scientology. I hear they can be very persistent. Hopefully you didn’t fall for the whole “stress test” trick. I needed a way to channel my anger towards you after I found that naked picture you sent my bf. I hope you understand. Next time I’ll forward that picture to your father. Until then, SRSLY sorry.

- anonymous

Dear Butt,
I’m srsly sorry that I’ve let you get so out of control, that every pair of undies I adorn you with ride up inside you and irritate the living hell out of you. I’m also sorry I’m not always in the position to pull the offending undies out of you. I’ll try to get you in control this year and slim you down a bit.

- Your Fat Owner

Dear Girl I took on a few dates and hooked up with last semester,

Srsly sorry that I will not be seeing you again, because after the condom broke, you weren’t worried at all, and you told me you would just “take a plan B when you got home, because you had a few left.” Sorry but, I don’t think I want a relationship with a girl who stocks up on plan B.

- erich

Dear Little Mouse,

You keep leaving little poo’s on my desk, and laughing in my face as you scurry around my bed at night.  Well guess what I bought today, the extra sensitive M-201 Victor traps!  Just try to resist that delicious lump of cheddar waiting out in the open, just for you.  Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha, srlsy sorry little guy, but your fate is sealed!

- Mouse Trapper

Dear Client,

I have to fess up, I always tack on an extra hour or two when I invoice you. I guess that’s considered bad ethics, but hey, a girl’s gotta eat!  Srsly Sorry.

- You hired me

Dear College,

I’m sorry that I took nothing away from you except a larger gut, some amazing stories, and one STD (but it was treatable!). It was basically like four years at summer camp, but add a ton of sex and beer. I was just there to buy a degree anyways.

- Chris Canberott

Dear Brandon,

Sorry we filled your hot-pocket with hot sauce, and put it back in the package. I am honestly proud of the care and detail we took with the packaging, I mean, you had no idea. Srsly though, sorry we set your sensitive little taste buds on fire, and ruined your lunch.

- your roommates

Dear Girlfriend,

Sorry that I ‘dutch-ovened’ you, but I thought since we played fart tag, it would be ok to asphyxiate you with my farts. I guess it wasn’t. Srsly Sorry, please forgive me.

- Justin K

Dear “friend”,

Sorry you’re such a douche. I’m not the only one struggling to get a job right now, so stop telling everyone I’m scum when you’ve never done an honest days work in you’re life. You rely on “daddy” to give you everything.

- S

Dear Kevin, 10th grade,

That first time that you thought you got “so high,” we were totally messing with you. It was oregano, and you acted like you were messed up. Sorry we tricked you into being fake high, but it was hilarious.

- your friends

Dear baby in the parking lot,
I’m sorry you were caught in the middle of your pathetic “parents’” dramatic screaming match/fight over you tonight. I almost called the police, but what good would it have done? Some people should be banned from breeding. I hope you are safe, baby, and I’m sorry you were born to such f$#%ed up, pathetic excuses for human beings, into an obviously f%$#ed up situation.

- helpless