Dear Paul,

The girl you were sleeping with behind my back and I are best friends now. Yes, you gave us both chlamydia. Yes, we snuck over to your house that night and EZ Cheesed obscenities all over your car. Yes, I put honey under all the doorhandles. Yes we drove by your work the next morning to watch you clean it all off in the parking lot. I can’t believe you actually drove to work with “Dick Liar” on your hood in EZ Cheese!! Srsly, I guess I’m sorry.

- sarah

Dear Sammi,
Your big Fred Flinstone toe REALLY creeps me out. Sorry.

- Ron Ron

Dear Oscar the Grouch,

Sorry that the rest of the cast is bringing you down. I mean, you would think that one of the a-holes who say they are your friends would help you out. You know, give you some food, maybe a couch to sleep on so you don’t have to live in a trash can. Srsly, sorry dude.


Dear Kevin,

Sorry that your dream of being a master beer brewer didn’t work out.  Hmmm, who woulda guessed that a dude with no brewing experience,  very little money, and coke habit would fail at something like that… not me!

- jenny

Dear Emily,

At the infamous sleep over in 6th grade, I’m the one who peed all over the bathroom.  I went to use the toilet in the middle of the night, and was so sleepy that I sat down and didn’t lift the lid. Haha, sorry that I pissed all over the place, and then I used your mom’s nice towels to clean up. My bad, sorry I didn’t fess up at the time.

- Crystal

Dear Friends,

Sorry that, when I hang with all of you, I find myself wishing I had other friends.

- rachel

Dear Allergies,

If you were in a physical form of any kind, I would rape you. Sorry, but I would f$#@ rape the sh*t out of you.  I hate you.

- allergy boy

Dear Taylor,
Srsly sorry I f%$#ed in your bed when you went away for the weekend. Your roommate let me. We couldn’t go back to either of our dorms so she offered up your bed and we were both too drunk to care. Also, srsly sorry that we didn’t use a condom so…yeah, I don’t feel the need to clarify that one for you. You should know, it was probably the best sex I’ve ever had.  So, thanks. But really, sorry. And I really hoped you washed your sheets.

- horny

Sorry girlfriend, but I still masturbate, a lot. I think of you, sometimes.

- anonymous boyfriend

Dear Anne Boleyn,

Soooo, I don’t quite know how to say sorry for chopping off your head and all. Turns out that whole you not being able to give birth to a son was mostly my fault.  Yeah…sorry.  Better late than never!

- King Henry the VIII

Dear Henry VIII,

Sorry but, you being the king doesn’t excuse your poor performance in bed.  And don’t you try to blame this conception of a male heir thing on me when your sperm count is lower than my great-grandpa’s! Jeez, just kill me already.  Haha, just kidding about the killing me thing. Love ya babe!

- Anne Boleyn

Dear R,
Honestly, your breath smelled like straight sh*t, even with all the gum I tried stuffing in your mouth, and it made my vagina dry up just getting in the vicinity of your hot breath, blah!!  So yeah, sorry we didn’t have sex, I just couldn’t overcome breath that smelled like you were eating poo out of my cat’s litter box.

- anonymous

Dear Self,

Sorry that you are 25, unemployed, and still have acne. Who knew that growing up could be so fun!

- anonymous

Dear Rachel,

Sorry about that time when my time of the month came when I was borrowing your Seven jeans. I’m even more sorry that the flow was heavy.

- Jenn

Dear female college roommate,

This is one story I’ve never told anyone, and I’ll probably never tell you. One night, I saw you eating a salad with sliced cucumber in it, and when I checked my drawer in the fridge, guess what was missing? My cucumber. The one that I had just used as a DILDO the night before. I put it back in the fridge because I liked the way it felt cold.  Srsly sorry, but I guess that’s what happens when you steal your roommates food.

- anonymous