Dear Rap,

Seriously sorry that you died.  I miss you.

- Johnny J

Awful Clients,

You came to me because I do something better than you can do it, right?  Srsly sorry, but every time you try to micro-manage me, knit-pick my work, change everything I’ve done even though you don’t know what you are doing, or call me at 9 am on a Sunday, an hour gets added to my invoice.  I think I deserve it just for putting up with you.

- anonymous designer-chick


Last winter, I got super high and ate the cupcakes your girlfriend brought over.  I then woke up to find cupcake frosting all over the couch, which is also yours.  I then went into my room, passed out, and got up to leave for Christmas vacation.  To this day I deny any cupcake eating, or couch frosting had anything to do with me.  I am a sweet-toothed high selfish bastard, and I know it.  Srsly sorry.

- your old roomy

Dear Paul,

Srsly sorry that me and my friends call you Weezy.  You weezed the whole time we were having sex (the four minutes of it).  Srsly sorry… and go work out.

- that girl who shouldn't have hooked up with you

Dear boyfriend,
Sorry that after two years you’re turning into such a douche. Seriously, I don’t need you cussing at me and blaming everything on me that is 100% YOUR FAULT. Also, you’re a momma’s boy. My mom warned me to never date a moma’s boy. She also told me to never date a guy that hits…guess I just didn’t listen too well and trusted you too much. You’re almost 21, you live with your mom, and you constantly complain about it. Get off your dumb ass and do something about it. You have everything available to you, but you waste all of it. I’ll be packing up all your stuff you have at my house, and the gifts you’ve given to me. Next time you come over, you’ll see it sitting out on the curb. I’m done with you. Bye bye, asshole! Enjoy living with your mom until she also finally can’t take it anymore and kicks your ass out!


Dear Madi,

Srsly sorry that you told me you loved me while we were having sex, three weeks into our casual dating spree.  Sorry that my response was to whisper something in-audible in your ear, quietly get up, go to the bathroom, and silently finish the job there.  Sorry that I told you I didn’t know what to say, and left.  And sorry that I never took you out again, but c’mon, three weeks into a college relationship…. that’s a bit crazy.

- anony-man

Dear co-workers,
I’m seriously sorry to let you know that I have been screwing one of our fellow co-worker in the office, also I’m sorry that you guys still eat on the table that has supported my bare ass in one of our many positions, also sorry for the stains on the very comfy chair, I like to sometimes be on top. Also, sorry that you guys all still believe I’m a virgin, but I’m eighteen, come on, how many eighteen year old virgins do you know! And I guess this sorry is for the times to cum, haha pun intended, but I’m not about to stop my needs at the office for your sanitary needs. But seriously guys, sorry!:)

- your friendly co-worker

Dear England, 1774,

Srlsy sorry, but go f*ck yourselves.

- The founding fathers

Dear Bethany,

Srsly sorry that we are Americans, and you just asked me if they celebrate the 4th of July in England. Wow, just, wow.

- Kevin

Dear Brandon Mauldin,

Srsly sorry about that time in the 6th grade that we all peed a little in a sunkist, then gave it to you and watched you drink it, laughing the whole time.  You kept asking what we were laughing about, then you noticed that your soft-drink was a bit off.  At that point we were rolling on the ground laughing.  You got so upset you started crying.  Srsly sorry, kids can be such dicks sometimes.

- Kevin G. and co.

Dear Roomy,

Sorry about that time I brought my GF over to our dorm room, and we walked in on you masturbating.  Or maybe you should be the one who is apologizing, seeing as how all you had to do to save me from that terrible vision was lock the dead bolt…. (sigh and shiver…)

- Jeremy Findel


We were fooling around in high school at Kyle’s party in a room in the basement, and we were getting hot and heavy.  I was still pretty new at all that stuff, and you were obviously a bit more experienced than me.  You started taking off your clothes and were pretty much naked when you whispered real sexy in my ear something along the lines of “come here and f*&^ me.”  Well, seriously sorry that I said NO, and maybe made you feel like you weren’t good enough or something.  The truth is, I was secretly super embarrassed because I had already cum in my pants.  I said sorry, and then slipped out of the party and walked home, pants full of jizz, and a heart full of disappointment.

- older now, and better too

Dear Residents of 604 C, Burnett,

I work for the moving company you hired. Seriously sorry that I was really hungover last week, and I accidentally dropped a couple of boxes labeled fragile, and a managed to totally ding up your dresser.  I guess you could say I don’t really give a f*&^ about my job.

- Your Mover

Dear “Potential”,

Sorry I never lived up to you. But I’m very happy with my life, I’ll never be a millionaire, but I’m okay with that.

- Nic

Dear Daughter,

You were an accident.  Srsly sorry.

- Mommy and Daddy