Sorry I called you out and forced you to do the “stand-up test” in front of that whole party last year. You were sitting and flirting with Melanie, and I saw a little something going on in your pants. As you recall, I got all the guys to start chanting “stand-up-test”. Anyways, srsly sorry I embarrassed the hell out of you and made you stand up with a raging boner.
- Senior in College
Dear Exhausted Self,
I know you’re at your breaking point and you still have to do a million assignments, but the internet is just so distracting. Seriously Sorry! One day we’ll go on vacation and you can recover… probably not though, I’ll just continue to abuse you with alcohol and more sleep deprivation instead…
Dear friends in the hot tub,
While you were all enjoying the stars, conversation, bubbles, and hot tub jets, I was getting a secret HJ from Rachel. Don’t worry, I had underwear on under my suit to catch the “outcome”. Kinda weird that no one noticed how quiet I got. Srsly sorry.
- Miss E
Dear Arts and Sciences Students,
Yes, I am an Education major. No, that does not mean I color in coloring books for homework or babysit children during classes.. I am srsly sorry that I only have 3 classes a week and 4 day weekends every weekend. I am also srsly srry that you work “so hard” doing your assignments for your “difficult” classes, and that you have 5 finals, when I don’t have any! Also, while I’m at it, srsly sorry that I will likely have a career 8 years before you will (because a you’ll need more than just a bachelor’s degree to get a job). Oh yeah! I’m also srsly sorry that I’ll have a way happier and more interesting life than you will, including paid summers! After you give up on your 8 years of school, you’re probably just going to settle for a low-wage cubicle job anyways. Come to think of it. I don’t think I’m that sorry…
- Your sweet student
Dear my college professor,
Sorry for making you believe you were amazing at sex, thanks for the great notes though.
- employed person
Dear Homeless People,
Sorry that I lie every time you ask, but let’s be honest, I always have change. Sometimes I even have a dollar, or two, or five.
You know how much I love spending time with you, but you also know how much I love spending time with other guys. I f#%^ed Hugh. SRSLY SORRY.
- rookie employee
Dear store that I work at,
Sorry that I accepted that credit card from that man that obviously wasn’t his. There was a woman’s name on it for christs sake. My shift was almost over, the lines were ridiculous and I was ready to go. Serves you right for calling me in on my off day. Srsly Sorry, and srsly sorry to the mystery lady too.
- she knows
Dear Jenny, sophomore year,
Sorry I threw up in my drunk sleep, all over the back of your head. On the bright side, at least it wasn’t chunky.
- BANKERS of america
Dear Young People in America,
Sorry bout all this worrisome financial stuff, but you all like to work, right? I mean, like, when you get old? Oh, phew, I thought you’d be mad about the fact that the nations financial future is f*^#ed, and you all had nothing to do with it. I mean, social security is lame anyways! You’d have to be poor to want that!
Dear hot Erin, from high school,
Your parents let you throw massive parties, and once I snuck into your room and stole a pair of your panties. Not as a prank or a dare, I just wanted them. It was a hot pink thong with white polka dots. 6 years later, I still have it. Srsly sorry.
- this guy
I never wash my hands after using the bathroom. Srsly Sorry.
- your son
Sorry for drunk making-out with your best friend at the Thanksgiving party, and sorry you had to see it. Your friends are cougars.
Srsly sorry for throwing a dart through your thumb, srsly, all the way through. It was amazing. In my defense, I was throwing bulls eyes all night until I dared you to put your hand up on the board, around the bulls eye. In hindsight, dart boards, college, beers, and thumbs always equals injuries.