- anonymous in San Francisco
Dear Homeless Man on 4th and Folsom,
I swear to God you get a kick out of shitting in the middle of the sidewalk. I know the difference between dog poos and human poos, and what I so tragically stepped in the other night, in my favorite boots, was definitely a human shit. It was on your turf, so I blame you homeless man. Srsly sorry that you are homeless, but corner up next time!
You were really sweet and OK in bed, but I’m seriously sorry you are weird and don’t brush your teeth and kinda gross me out. Please quit calling and texting me.
I’ve let it slide for too long, but I’m afraid I can’t hook up with you anymore until you do something about the random long hairs growing near your belly button and around your nipples. I simply can’t bear to be sucking or kissing your chest and wind up feeling a long coarse hair on my tongue anymore. It is gross. Does this happen with every girl? I mean, I love you, but seriously, you must notice these things. If only I could figure out a way to bring this up to you. Until then, srsly sorry, but I will be avoiding those places, or you will be keeping your shirt on during sex…
- Your Head
I am srsly sorry that I am mis-shapenand there is a 90% chance you would look terrible bald. Also sorry that the balding has accelerated by like, 40 times.
- The janky bathroom stall
Dear Bathroom Stall User,
Srsly sorry that my latch does not work, and you have to sit on the toilet seat in fear that someone will bust in on you trying to squeeze out a dump. It is a horrible way to poo. Also sorry that I am all out of TP, and you failed to realize that before starting. Oops.
I usually just pretend to be asleep when you get home late from work so that I don’t have to have sex with you. Srsly sorry…. maybe I’ll stay up tonight.
Last night, I was laying on my side and my butt was on your leg. I needed to fart really bad but I was too tired to move. So, out of sheer laziness, I bombed your leg at point blank range while bare-assed. Sorry babe, ferreals.
- Your Balls
Sorry for reeking uncontrollably whilst sweaty.
Because of me, a lot of you don’t have a soul… My bad
- your boyfriend who is trying to figure out how to get with his girlfriends younger sister
Dear My Girlfriend,
I saw your little sister naked on accident. She’s 16, and she’s hot. Sorry but, I can’t get her out of my mind… this could be a problem.
Srsly sorry that your mom got pissed and took your phone for a few days when she saw what you were looking at on your phone. However, it’s partly your fault for opening a link with the words “wizard” and “vagina” in the same sentence, in range of your mom.
- the girls
Srsly sorry, but you are no longer invited to girls’ night out. Why? Because you threw up in the lap of one of the cute guys that we were sitting with. Not so classy…
- your son
Happy Father’s Day Dad,
Srsly sorry about 18 years of me.
Dear Brad and Kelly,
Last New Years, when you two, me, and Jess shared the queen size bed in the hotel room (that’s right, 4 to a bed), Jess and I proceeded to hook up once you two fell asleep. Srsly sorry for having sex 6 inches away from you. I am almost positive we kept any and all fluids on our side, but who knows, it was dark…
- your son, aka, wingman
I am happy that you are back in the dating game after so long, but I just don’t feel comfortable being your wing-man. It’s just weird hearing you talk about girls half your age as potential ‘hook-ups’ and ‘super-babes’. Plus, imagining you actually getting lucky creeps me out a bit. Srsly sorry.