Dear everyone at my local public pool, 4 summers ago,

Sorry I secretly slid my Baby Ruth in the pool, and caused total pandemonium.  I still laugh at how my poop look-a-like pool impostor caused such a hilarious panic.

- danny ryman

Dear Kristen,

It was week two of college, we were drunk at a party out in the country, and I thought you were hot.  Soon enough we were out back, stripping down behind a tree.  The tree wasn’t enough cover so we went behind a shed.  The combination of alcohol, college, nipple rings (nice touch btw), the outdoors, and HJ’s got us too excited to realize what that little itch was.  Anyways, sorry about the next day when you no doubt thought I gave you some crazy STD.  I thought the same about you until I realized it was poison ivy… poison ivy everywhere.  Great story, but I’m sorry about that terribly located itch.

- anonymous

Dear Stephan,

Sorry my cat attacked you, and managed to claw your junk.  He was a rescue and you were dangling that little toy way to close to your crotch.

- Julie Peterson

Dear female student, 4th Period, Bio.
Sorry for googling your boobs in a way you would notice. Normally I’m good at eyeing them discreetly. But if you’re going to wear a really low V neck top and you have at least DD’s… Well, do you blame me?

- Mr. R

Dear Alcoholic Ex-Girlfriend,
Rotten Trout may not have been the most flattering description of your crotch that evening. I’m sorry your friends were there to hear it. Seriously.

- Xavier

Dear Roommate,
Sorry I used your vibrator on several occasions when you would stay the night at your boyfriend’s… yours just works so much better than mine. It’s not cool, my bad…

- Horny Roommate

Dear Upstairs Neighbors/Friends,
Sorry about last night. And all the other nights you have probably heard us having sex. This is an old building and we have a flimsy bed. We did try to put a pillow behind the headboard to keep from waking your kids. But we happily ignore their pattering little feet and . . . it’s your fault for moving them into the room right above us anyway.

- S & N

Dear Shelby,
I never meant to finish in your eyes when you were giving me that HJ. I can see now that laughing probably wasn’t the appropriate response, but c’mon, what a ridiculous shot! You stole my sweater when you left, call it even? Sorry.

- Rob

Dear Penis,
I heard somewhere that a man can only masturbate 8 times in a 24 hour span. Of course I took this as a challenge, and went straight to wacking. Sorry for the pulled muscle, the rug burns, and the general lack of care. And sorry that I couldn’t break the record. Get well soon so we can try again!

- Jason P

Dear Ruffles the dog,
I farted…silently. I blamed you. I always do, and you get put outside in the cold. Sorry buddy.

- Jim K

Dear my Ex GF,

Sorry for imagining I was pounding your cute roommate every time we had sex during the last 4 months of our relationship. I came close once, but at least I never let her name slip out.  I should have dated her instead.

- Ex BF

Dear Pizza Place on the LES,
I am sorry I used your bathroom without purchasing anything.  It was an emergency pit stop, caused by the taco stand down the street.  I’m extra sorry that I broke your toilet.  If it’s any consolation, I tried to fix it before fleeing the scene, but it was rank in there, and I couldn’t stand it any longer.  Seriously sorry.

- anonymous

Dear English Language,
Sorry about the whole ‘raping you’ and all that.  I only did it for the money.

- Stephanie Meyer


Sorry I had sex with your wife. Well, actually, I’m not sorry at all. Hell, I was laying her before you two even met. Really, it’s just things going back to normal.  Anyway, you’ll probably never find out, but if she gets preggers she’s all yours.

- D-Money

Dear Kaz,

Sorry for your ex cheating on you. No offense, but I’d cheat on you too.  You smell bad, and you have more of a moustache than he does.

- Sammi