- Justin - the husband
I know you hate it, so I am sorry that in order to keep things interesting in our sex life I now shout out random sayings whenever I cum. DIGGITY! BADA-BOOM! ABRACADABRA! and so forth…
Dear Past Girlfriends or Hook-ups,
I would never admit to this if ever confronted, but for the fun of it, I thought you should know… I love that you actually sent me sexy naked pictures when I asked you for them. But once I am finished with you, I put the naked pics online, and have even sold some to porn websites for like 50 bucks. Srsly sorry.
Srsly sorry that I will be denying your request to be my facebook friend. We can be friends in real life, but I can’t give you access to all my FB activity because you would soon realize that I only do about 3 hours of work a day, while the rest is used for FB and other web surfing fun.
Dear Fellow Drivers,
Srsly sorry, but the road was NOT made just for you. Every day you cut me off, pull in front of me and slam on your brakes, cut in turn lane lines (like your time is more valuable than anyone else’s), and are generally unpleasant to be around with your mean faces and your bird flying. Get over yourself. If you’re in that big of a hurry, leave the house earlier!!!!
- Chris Tius
Dear Buddy, my first dog,
I was 6 years old, and I loved you lots. I loved you sooooo much I wanted to do everything with you, and I just wanted you to be happy. You were a little wiener dog, and you were probably the coolest wiener dog to have ever lived. Well, I am srsly sorry that I contributed to your chocolatey death. First off, I gave you a ton of it as treats, then I accidentally left the entire bag sitting on the back porch. You simply couldn’t resist gorging yourself on the delicious chocolate. My parents found you hours later, motionless in a pool of your own vomit… Sleep well my friend, sleep well.
Srsly sorry that I cannot give you the satisfaction of pooping. It’s been 6 days. Fuck constipation.
- 1900 Wood Street
Srsly sorry about the 7 large holes in the wall, the shattered door on bedroom #3, the broken dishwasher and disposal, the ruined carpet, the shattered tiles, and the glow in the dark paint all over the place. I can tell you right now, that we will not be getting any of our deposit back, and that’s ok with us. This is what happens when you rent to sophomores in college.
- Lauren H. - Texas
Dear Creepy Older Guy,
Srsly sorry that you cannot find any other way to get your kicks than to come to public places and hit on the younger women. No, I don’t want to talk to you. No, I don’t want your number. And I would rather use a splintering wooden dildo with nails sticking out of it than come within 3 feet of your old man balls.
- Jenny V
I asked you to wake me up by either giving me head or rubbing on my cooch because I thought it would be a really nice way to wake up. You did, but in my weird dream-sleep state I accidentally called you the wrong name. Srsly sorry.
Dear Boyfriend of a year and a half,
The truth is, I’m a lesbian. I think I have been all along and I was just trying to be someone I wasn’t. I know you love me, and I am sorry.
I am srsly sorry I have an uncontrollable attraction to your (and now mine) 18-year-old nephew.
- harold k.
I effing hate you. Srsly. Sorry.
Dear Cougar from the regional meetup,
If you feel I led you on in some way, then yes, you are correct. At the last minute I just could not go through with hooking up with you. Srsly sorry, but you sorta reminded me of my mom.
- your vagina
You better go get tested, something’s not quite right down here. Srsly sorry.