To my girlfriend,
Sorry I lied about all the sex I’ve had with other girls, even though you asked me directly. Also, I may have exaggerated about that whole “me wearing a condom thing”
- Your Friends
Not sure why you went for that back flip when you were totally wasted the other night. Seriously, hammered drunk. I’m also not sure why we urged you on so hardcore. But, what I mostly don’t get is why no one recommended you do it in the grass, not on the sidewalk. We were drunk, sorry about your face. 13 stitches isn’t so bad.
- I.P. Freely
Dear Damp Undies,
Yeah, I peed on the seat when I was in a rush. I assumed your Mom taught you to wipe the seat before you sat. Muh bad…
I’m sorry that I woke you up by putting my boner in your hand. I thought you would be into it.
- Lesley M
Dear bat shit crazy lady who lives below me,
I’m sorry I avoid you like I might catch a deadly disease from you, but every time you corner me into talking all i can think about is how you aren’t wearing a bra. Your boobs are weird. Sorry, I am an avoiding a**hole.
- Rick Sanchez
Dear Jon Stewart,
Sorry about our little mix up. Let’s grab a knish and put this behind us. Oh, you forgot your wallet… ahem. jew. ahem… no, no, I didn’t say that, I said “phew!” We’ll just put it on the CNN account, they own all the knish bakeries in NYC anyways… Right?
- Reese Styles
Dear Homely Girl in highschool, I think your name was Kendra,
I’m sorry that I shattered your self-esteem by pointing out your receding hairline in the 10th grade… ouch, really, I’m sorry. Hope you’ve worked that hairline thing out.
Dear freshman year roommate,
Sorry I threw silly putty in your bed while you slept and then didn’t say anything when you thought you crapped the bed. And still didn’t say anything as you shamefully threw away your sheets.
- john K
To the kid in the second row, three desks to the right,
I never remembered your name, all year. You are, simply put, forgettable. I apologize for branding you to a life of subdued mediocrity. I’m a shitty teacher, always have been.
I secretly made an audio recording of your orgasm, then ‘auto-tuned’ it, and I have been using it as my ring tone for the last two weeks. It’s awesome.
- James B
Sorry for whatever I said when I was blacked out last night. You seem pissed.
- Jennifer S
I woke up with two slices of pepperoni pizza in my purse. Im really sorry that I messed up my purse, but I will never apologize for college.
I drove home hammered drunk last night. Again. Sorry.
- New Me
Dear Old Me,
I know you’ve got high hopes and everything, but it might be a good idea to just put those away and start getting accustomed to dollar menus and internet porn. The real world sucks.