Sorry I gave your colorblind child a rubiks cube for his birthday.  My bad.

- Dave E

Shaun,

Parents aren’t allowed to say this to their kids, but I have always liked your sister better.  It’s not that I don’t like you.  I do.  I just like her… better.  For that, I am sorry.

- Mom

Dad,

I used to masturbate to your playboys in your bathroom when you were at work.  I’m not sorry about the masturbation, but I am sorry about getting all the pages stuck together.

- Greg G

Dear random runner on 6th street,

My dog took a dump, I didn’t have a bag and I didn’t know what to do.  You ran by, tragedy struck.  I bolted from the scene.  I’m an a-hole.

- an a-hole

Dear Shaun,

I have had your blue and white polo oxford for the past three years.  It is my favorite shirt. Sorry I lied and sorry that you will never get it back.  It’s called adverse possession. Google it.

- Trey

Bryan,

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you it was my time of the month before we hooked up.  I was really horny, and I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal.  Personally, I think you’re being kinda a pussy about the whole thing, but ok, sorry I intentionally chili-dogged you.

- Anonymous

Will,

Sorry I said you looked like Roseanne Barr circa 1989.   But honestly, you need to work out.

- Your friend Jay

To the NM Crew,

I’m sorry I brought that hooker up to the room in Vegas and got all our shit stolen.  She wasn’t even even one of those hot vegas hookers.  I guess that’s what you get when all you have to offer is 15 bucks and a line of coke.

- Erich E

Dear gas station employee on 7th street,  Austin TX,

Im sorry your life blows, but you don’t have to ridicule my boyfriend for buying “snug fit” condoms.  I like it better anyways,  you suck.

- Anonymous

Helen,

I thought we had reached a good farting point.  Turns out, you weren’t ready for me to disclose audible farts.  srsly sorry.

- Paul M

Eric J,

Sorry I assumed you were gay.

- Anonymous

Scott,

I thought blue balls was a myth.  Srsly srry.

- Ginny K

Dear Johnny Dansizer from 6th grade, Rittman OH,

I’m the one who put poop in your pillowcase at that sleep over in 6th grade.  It was my poop.  srsly srry.

- Chris P

Alex Ryley,

I’m pregnant.

- Jenny

Melissa,

I think you over-reacted, but I’m sorry about going for your “other hole” without talking about it first.

- Lance