I fantasize about Smurfette.  Sorry Papa Smurf.

- Anonymous

Dear Jews,

Soooooooooooooooooooooo, what happened, happened………  But I’m really not that kind of guy. I don’t know how things got so out of hand.  I guess I was just mad because you didn’t like the pork sandwich I made you.  I mean verdammen!. It’s the king of meats!  Es tut mir leid.  Srry.

- Adolf

I stepped on a bum shit today.  It was in the alley behind my office.  You can tell it’s a bum shit because it had corn in it.  Great Danes don’t eat corn.  That bum should be saying sorry to me.  I hate bum shits.

- Kevin Shea

Kiel,

… dude, I lost my virginity on your bed, while you were sleeping on the floor.  I can’t quite remember why we were in that situation, but it’s kinda messed up.  Srry.

- Sean

Melissa,

I am sorry that I called you a manatee/ sea cow in seventh grade.  You already knew that you were overweight and surely did not need me comparing your relative girth to that of a huge, water-dwelling mammal.  It was fucked up.  Middle school is hard enough without me ruining your life. Hope your self-esteem has recovered.

- Jerry P

Jeanelle,

I’m sorry I asked you to “Gogurt” my dick after the BJ you gave me last night.  I thought you would be cool with that.

- BW

Harry,

Sorry I fucked with you these last seven years.  Broke your nose.  Tried to Avada Kedavra you.  This list seems endless.  I had a lot of teen angst.  Hope you understand!  :) Sincerely yours.

- Draco

Dear Resident of 10th street,

I stole your Shinerbock Cooler.  Sorry… that cooler is too fucking awesome for me not to own.

- Anonymous

To all the kids in the Galaxy theater, Dallas TX, at Finding Nemo in 2003,

While you were enjoying a classic family film, I was getting a BJ in the back row.  Sorta messed up, sorta awesome, sorta sorry.

- Charles K

To the third grade version of David Lewis,

I stole your brass pog slammer in 3rd grade.  You cried, but I still kept it.  Srry.

- Shaun

Dude,

I saw your little sisters boobs.  I feel kinda weird about it cuz she’s only 14, but, honestly, she is well developed for her age.  Plus, it was an accident, she doesn’t even know I saw them. I guess I’m saying srsly sorry because I masturbated to it later that day.

- anonymous

Dad,

I am sorry.  You are a horribly dressed old man and I can’t help but be embarrassed to be seen with you.  It’s the cargo shorts/tube socks… not you.

- Paul Hummes

Tiff,

Last night, you farted on me when you were sleeping.  I’m sorry about that, because I’m not really attracted to you anymore, it sux.

- Darren

Jay,

Sorry I put a home-made poop spread in your nutella jar, and then made you a bagel.  Looking back, I think I crossed the line with that one.  But really, how did you not smell it before biting?

- Brandon K

Lance (Prejack),

You confided in me about your girlfriend-disappointing premature ejaculation.  You wanted advice.  I told everyone at the lunch table.  Now you have a shitty nickname.  Oops.

- James