Dear Mormon Girls in L.A. during my Senior Trip,
Me and my buddies were on our senior trip when we met you and your girlfriends who were also on a senior trip. We quickly learned that y’all we’re from Utah and you were mormons. After learning this fact, we figured you guys weren’t gonna be that much fun, but we were dead wrong. We partied hard all night long, one thing lead to another, and I found myself naked with two of you in the condo bedroom. Yes, reader, you heard correct, I wound up in the middle of a mormon three-some – something you don’t hear very often. So, why am I srsly sorry? The threesome was awesome, but when it was over I grabbed the closest piece of cloth to clean up with which was one of your blouses and I think I may have unintentionally insulted your religion with some comment about Joseph Smith… so, for soiling your nice blouse and insulting your beliefs, I am srsly sorry.
- your old roomy (you know who)
Dear old Roomy,
Srsly sorry about the oddly placed stains all over the couch in the living room. You were out of town, and I brought a boy home. It was hot, drunk sex, and we didn’t have time to make it into the bedroom. Yeah, turns out I get a little “extra” moist sometimes and all those stains were from me. Boy was it awkward when you pointed the stains out to me.
Thank you so much for giving an insanely drunk bleeding person, aka ‘ME’, a ride home the other night. Being drunk and running through a dimly lit parking lot with sandals on is not a good idea, and faceplants into concrete are just not cool at all. Srsly sorry about all the blood in the backseat of your car.
- The People
Dear “President” Obama,
Srsly sorry that YOU SUCK as president. Shove your “change” up your jiggly butt!
I’m sorry I cheated on you in the 7th grade. Who could have guessed you’d turn out to be so hot now that were older.
Dear Count Chocula,
I’m leaving you for Captain Crunch. Srsly sorry.
- I love my iPad
Dear Steve Jobs,
I hear you have high ideals and morals, and you are intent on keeping any kind of ‘offensive apps off the apple cloud. Srsly sorry that half of what I use my iPad for is porn.
Dear all my Couchsurfing hosts,
You are an awesome person for letting a total stranger stay in your place and use your things while they travel the world. Seriously I mean that. Unfortunately, while I may seem totally normal and harmless (mostly true), I am that guy who has an uncontrollable urge to masturbate wherever I am. So, to all the hosts I’ve had, srsly sorry for masturbating in your sinks, toilets, or showers…I do my best to clean up, but still…
- the guy dressed like a hipster dodo bird
Srsly sorry that you were so offended by my uber-forward advances, but you were dressed as the sluttiest cave-woman at the entire party (it was a ‘prehistoric’ party). I honestly just figured you had laxed morals. My bad.
Dear Kids in America,
Cutting the education budget was the best plan of action to relieve the national debt, seriously, hear me out. Everyone knows that all the coolest people in America dropped out of highschool or college and became extremely successful. Seth Rogen and Bill Gates did it, and so can you. Basically, we’re here to say you are welcome. School is not that cool, and education is overrated. The only thing we are really sorry about was cutting your school’s yearbook budget. Yearbooks are sweet, sorry you won’t get those anymore.
- Weiner Fan
Srsly sorry that everyone is making such a big deal about your weener, Rep. Weiner. With a name like Weiner, you ought to be allowed to send as many weener pics as you like.
Srsly sorry that I gave you a the clap… you were the only one.
Dear prostitute in Amsterdam,
Srsly sorry that I was wasted and I think I told you I would pay you 50 euros for a dance and an HJ. Welp, I didn’t have more than 10 euros on me…. I guess one might say you got the shaft?
Dear not so awesome boyfriend,
Looking back I feel kinda bad, but still not really that bad, but I guess I’m sorry I poured bleach over all your clothes in the closet and every drawer of your dresser when I found out you were cheating on me. That sucks, you deserved it.
Srsly Sorry that I spent about 10 minutes watching you and your girlfriend have sex last semester when we were roommates. Creepy? maybe a little bit. But you left the door open a bit and I simply couldn’t look away because it was hot.