- smarter than you
To all the stupid people out there.
I am seriously sorry that you don’t have the brain power to make well-reasoned decisions. You live beyond your means. You cannot deduce appropriate moral views; at best you must have them dictated to you. You are inarticulate, brutish, and seem intent on bringing the world down to your level. The saddest part, or perhaps the most merciful, is the fact that you go through life without even realizing just how dumb you are. You should not have a license to drive a car. You should not be allowed to carry a weapon and you definitely should not be allowed to reproduce. I’m seriously sorry that you do not understand that the veil of ignorance can be cast off, the burden of stupidity on the other hand, is forever.
- Recently Acquired an Alpine Garden
Dear Multiflora Rose,
Srsly sorry you’re such a sonofabitch hell-plant. If it weren’t for your 2cm long thorns, kudzu-like inter-connected root system and invasive tendencies, I would keep you in my garden, as your flowers really are quite pretty. And hey, since I’ve got you, d’you think you could refrain from embedding your thorns in my gardening gloves, arms and hair? Sure would appreciate it.
- sensitive nosed girlfriend
Dear bloated BF,
Srsly sorry that I snuck a bottle of gas-x into your bathroom drawer. I figured that way you would get the point, and I wouldn’t have to openly call you out for farting during sex every time. Love ya.
Srsly sorry, but just because you are like 96 it doesn’t mean you can grab my wife’s boobs and then act like you don’t know whats going on. I’m onto you old man… I’m on to you.
- best friend?
Seriously sorry that now you’ve gone to uni (and subsequently quit uni), I can’t find the time to talk to you on facebook chat or on skype every single day of the week. Even though you’ve left, I still have a life. I wish you would understand that, because the more needy you get, the more distance I want. Sorry that talking every 2 or 3 days isn’t enough for you, and that every time I’m away for a couple of days you send me a reproachful and sarcastic e-mail about my abandoning you. I know we’re supposed to be best friends, but if you can’t respect the fact that I actually have other things to do, I am going to go apeshit.
I seriously was digging on you the moment I met you a week and a half ago, and I was super pumped when you invited me and my buddies to your Cinco de Mayo party. I sought you out at the party, and we were chatting and drinking beers. It was going really well from my POV. The conversation was naturally flowing and we were playfully arguing over some random thing so I pulled out my phone to look it up and prove you wrong. We were both looking intently at the iPhone screen as I opened Safari, and the first thing that popped up was a big picture of some porno girl getting railed. Dammit, dammit, dammit. I was obviously looking at porno pics on my phone the last time I had safari open, and I forgot to X-out the pages. I’ve never been so embarrassed and utterly pissed off at myself. Srsly sorry that you may have been into me, but now you probably think I’m a creep with an addiction to iPhone porn. Srsly sorry to myself, now that all her friends have probably heard the story, and they were cute too. Srsly. Sorry.
Dear Trey, my first boyfriend,
Sorry I lied when we were 16 and told you I was still a virgin to get you to have sex with me. You were still a virgin and didn’t want to lose it to someone who wasn’t a virgin too. I just wanted you so bad at the time that it seemed ok to lie. Srsly sorry.
- Lady Gaga
Sorry I make being a bat shit insane tranny look so cool. Feel free to put a bullet in my head if you can get it through one of my retarded hats.
- Love, Your Twin Brother
Dear Twin Brother,
Seriously sorry for stealing your thunder and everything, you know with hiding my girlfriend’s pregnancy from all of you and then having the baby the day before you graduate from your undergrad. I thought is was best way to troll you, my girlfriend and I have been scheming it for months now…
- your Toddler
I’m almost three, but I pissed and shat myself again. Wipe my butt please, and don’t you dare use anything but the moist towelettes!
- Osama Bin Laden
Now that I’m dead, I just wanted to get this apology out there. I am srsly sorry that I gave you all a bad name with my extremest views and teachings. So, yah, I preyed on the impoverished and feeble minded to build an army of religious fanatics who would die at my command, all following the radical version of jihad I created from which I had no formal education in whatsoever. Yeah, my bad. Now none of you can go outside, or wear traditional garb, or especially ride in an airplane, in the western world without receiving uneasy stares and general suspicions from everyone near you. I guess part of me never thought anyone would actually listen to what I had to say, after all, it was pretty crazy.
- John Candy
Living without me must be hard. Sorry.
Dear Jennifer (not her real name),
I don’t often meet women at bars, let alone women that go home with me, but you and I hit it off. I offered to buy you a drink, you said you didn’t drink (clue #1), then I asked if you wanted to dance, you said the dance floor was too crowded (clue #2). We chatted it up for a couple hours then I asked you needed a ride home. All was going well, we were making out and taking off our clothes, when you stopped me to tell me something important. You we’re pregnant. Not showing yet, but still pregnant. Srsly sorry, but something about hooking up with a pregnant women who is still bar hopping, is clearly alienated from the baby-daddy, and totally cool with me “not using a condom because the factory is already in use” did not work for me. Sorry about the awkward wait for the cab to show up, and sorry that I didn’t have any cash to help you get home.
- J ;)
Srsly sorry that I sorta stole your virginity last Cinco de Mayo. Your parents were out of town so you threw a party (naturally), and we had a lot of tequila and snuck upstairs to your room. You were like super drunk, but so was I so I figured it was cool. I basically took the reigns and went for it ;) . Srsly sorry about how awkward it was the next day when you told me I took your virginity. I feel sorta bad about that.
- hispanic american
Dear White Americans, especially those in Texas,
F&%$ off with your Cinco de Mayo celebrations. You are white, and you don’t even know why we celebrate. Stop using our holiday as an excuse to get drunk off of tequila and margaritas, and to make your crappy green, red, and white cakes where you don’t even put the colors in their right places. Srsly.