Dear Garrett,

Sorry that I lied about being on birth control, I was just really horny and you wouldn’t do it otherwise.  Oopsy!

- horny girl

Dear obese teenage bore,

It amazes me how mean, racist, snobbish, cruel, and opinionated you are.  You talk of your “boyfriends,” but we all know they don’t exist.  Put down the Cheetos, lose 100 pounds, and you might just avoid a miserable life.  Sorry that I doubt it.

- anonymous

Dear Brittany,
Seriously not sorry I’ve been f*cking your boyfriend/baby daddy for the last two years. Seriously not sorry its not gonna stop anytime soon. But mostly sorry, for real, that you choose to live in the delusional world where it’s all my fault. Way to believe a cheater!

- -R

Dear Hubby,

Let’s be honest, most of the time, I fake it.  Sorry.

- anonymous wife

Dear mom,
Srsly sorry I used to let your beloved Min Pin lick me….you know where. That’s why his nose always smelled like corn chips. I’m also srsly sorry I got some sick twisted pleasure when he’d give you guys kissies on the mouth after just being all up in my hoohoo.

- Paula

Dear “President” Obama,
Srsly sorry that YOU SUCK as president. Shove your “change” up your jiggly butt!

- The People
Dear significant other,
I’m seriously sorry for farting while we were laying in bed the other day, and then pulling the covers over your head so you could bask in the ambience of my biff.  So seriously sorry…
- Pooter Jones

Dear cat,

Sorry that sometimes when I have to fart, I seek you out and fart in your face or on your head…You know I love you.

- anonymous

Dear Aunt,
Sorry I always fantasized about sleeping with your boyfriend. I kinda let him grope my boobs for an hour till I fell asleep drunk. Big douche move on my part. I didn’t do anything more with him, except tongue him. But that doesn’t count right? Love you :)

- S

Dear Karl,
I’m sorry that when we were in elementary school we used to lure you to the top of the tire playground pyramid and throw you off.  We only meant to break your collar bone. Unfortunately, that one time, we also broke your foot…… and your spirit, and your heart.

- Dan K

Dear Mel,

You can’t give a man head, and also ask him to tell you when he’s gonna cum so you can bail out.  Like my dad always said, if you’re gonna do something, do it right.  Anyways, I think you over-reacted, but srsly sorry for not warning you and blowing my load in your mouth.

- Jeffrey

Dear Jon Stewart,

Sorry about our little mix up.  Let’s grab a knish and put this behind us.  Oh, you forgot your wallet… ahem.  jew.  ahem… no, no, I didn’t say that, I said “phew!”  We’ll just put it on the CNN account, they own all the knish bakeries in NYC anyways… Right?

- Rick Sanchez

I’m a blimp fool.  Filled with Hydrogen. That’s highly flammable brother.  You should have never turned off the “no smoking” sign.  Srsly Sorry.


Dear Matt,

You were feeling sad, so, like the good friend that I am, I sent a hooker over to your place. Seriously sorry not only for the fact you had to pay for it, or the fact that your fiance was home, but for the fact that you didn’t get any.

- Steve

Dear Wifey,

I am sure you never imagined you’d have a bleeding anus on your wedding day.  I’m sorry, but in reality, it was your idea to try anal the night before the big day.  And it was your idea to keep going even when it hurt.  Let me say again, it was YOUR idea.  I’m still sorry.

- Johnny Lee