Dear homeless man in Albuquerque NM, circa 2003,
I’m sorry me and friends drove up that one night and pelted you with eggs. We were assholes to the max.
Soooooooooooooooooooooo, what happened, happened……… But I’m really not that kind of guy. I don’t know how things got so out of hand. I guess I was just mad because you didn’t like the pork sandwich I made you. I mean verdammen!. It’s the king of meats! Es tut mir leid. Srry.
Sorry that I hooked-up with your boyfriend this weekend. Also sorry that I encouraged him to sleep with my friend too. Sorry that you think he’s the greatest boyfriend in the world, and sorry that you think I’m a good friend too. Mostly, I’m just sorry that his d*&^ is really small!
- Stephanie Meyer
Dear English Language,
Sorry about the whole ‘raping you’ and all that. I only did it for the money.
Dear earth, Sorry I exist.
Affectionately Yours, Ke$ha
Dear amazing and awesome boyfriend,
I’m sorry that I had sex with another dude because I wasn’t getting any from you. I love you, but I’m a girl who just wants to f*%#.
Dear middle aged woman walking her elderly mother down the street in 2003,
I’m sorry that Poof and I thought it would be funny to throw a water balloon at you while driving 40mph by you. Im sorry that it pelted you, old granny, square in the face. From afar, you two viewed as middle school aged kids that would have loved to been cooled off an a hot summer evening. As f*%^ed up as it is, it was a great left hook out of the driver side window. I hope you survived!
- MTV - remember when we used to play music? that was lame.
Dear MTV Fans,
Sorry for airing shows that glorify stupidity, drunkenness, slutty women, and wannabe celebrities. But mostly I’m sorry for airing the Real World spinoff, The Jersey Shore. Tune in thursday at ten for your weekly dose of greasy stupidity… srsly sorry.
- Jim K
Dear Ruffles the dog,
I farted…silently. I blamed you. I always do, and you get put outside in the cold. Sorry buddy.
- Ex BF
Dear my Ex GF,
Sorry for imagining I was pounding your cute roommate every time we had sex during the last 4 months of our relationship. I came close once, but at least I never let her name slip out. I should have dated her instead.
- Horny Roommate
Sorry I used your vibrator on several occasions when you would stay the night at your boyfriend’s… yours just works so much better than mine. It’s not cool, my bad…
Hey Scott, dude. Remember when you found that sh*t in your bed the day after the footy game? Sorry dude, but that was me. I got really wasted and fell asleep on your bed, the toilet was too far away so I took a dump on your bed and walked over to my bed and fell asleep again. I heard you come in a few minutes later, yelling and “woke me up” to see if I knew anything, but let it go after I told you I had been asleep for hours. Srsly sorry, dude.
Remember that night we hooked up sophomore year? Remember waking up in the morning in a wet yellow puddle on my bed, and me blaming it on you? You ran out crying, super embarrassed, and I haven’t seen you since. Well, what really happened was that I pissed the bed, and I woke up before you, switched positions with you, then blamed it all on you. Sorry, but I got a kick out of that.
- jerry c
Freshman dude at K-Sig party,
Sorry for tricking you into taking a shot of my dip spit. It was hilarious, but admittedly messed up. It does look a lot like Yager.
Dear College Roomate Gemma,
Remember that time I told you I tried it in the butt once? And remember that one morning you said that you couldn’t find your vibrator and I told you that you may have left it at your moms when you went there over the weekend? Yeah… About that, I kinda used it, for my… um other hole. It’s okay though cuz I put a condom on it.