Srsly sorry that I let you eat fast-food three times a day for the last few years. It’s a weird thing to realize you can no longer date in the same bracket you used to.
Sorry that I thought getting a tattoo on you would be a good idea. I thought I was man enough, but I couldn’t take the pain, so now my pepe looks like a splothcy banana.
- Osama Bin Laden
Now that I’m dead, I just wanted to get this apology out there. I am srsly sorry that I gave you all a bad name with my extremest views and teachings. So, yah, I preyed on the impoverished and feeble minded to build an army of religious fanatics who would die at my command, all following the radical version of jihad I created from which I had no formal education in whatsoever. Yeah, my bad. Now none of you can go outside, or wear traditional garb, or especially ride in an airplane, in the western world without receiving uneasy stares and general suspicions from everyone near you. I guess part of me never thought anyone would actually listen to what I had to say, after all, it was pretty crazy.
Dear Trey, my first boyfriend,
Sorry I lied when we were 16 and told you I was still a virgin to get you to have sex with me. You were still a virgin and didn’t want to lose it to someone who wasn’t a virgin too. I just wanted you so bad at the time that it seemed ok to lie. Srsly sorry.
Sorry I peed on your rug. It really tied the room together.
- Your overworked assistant
I’m sorry that I coughed up a phlegm loogie in your coffee this morning. You think that you are some wise mentor bringing me wisdom from up on high. Really, I think that you are a stuck-up b*tch with an overblown sense of your own importance. Enjoy my head cold!
- Jeannie K
Dear Mom & Dad,
Sorry about the weird stains on the couch in the basement. I think we all know what those are…
Dear Mom and Dad,
I charged four kegs to the emergency credit card. Sorry about that, but it was definitely an emergency.
Sorry about that time when my time of the month came when I was borrowing your Seven jeans. I’m even more sorry that the flow was heavy.
Srsly sorry I f%$#ed in your bed when you went away for the weekend. Your roommate let me. We couldn’t go back to either of our dorms so she offered up your bed and we were both too drunk to care. Also, srsly sorry that we didn’t use a condom so…yeah, I don’t feel the need to clarify that one for you. You should know, it was probably the best sex I’ve ever had. So, thanks. But really, sorry. And I really hoped you washed your sheets.
Srsly sorry that I didn’t tell you I was on my period and you went down on me. I got caught up in the moment, but I think you over reacted. It’s just a little white string.
I am seriously sorry that I was intoxicated almost everyday for about four months, that I had a lot of promiscuous, unprotected sex under the influence, and that I put my health in such a great risk. And I’m also sorry for all the $$$ about to be spent on treatment. Consequences can be a bitch. But hey, at least I have some great stories to tell.
Last night, I was laying on my side and my butt was on your leg. I needed to fart really bad but I was too tired to move. So, out of sheer laziness, I bombed your leg at point blank range while bare-assed. Sorry babe, ferreals.
- Your BRAIN
Sorry that you’re a f*&%ing idiot. Thanks again for drinking 12 natty lights, 6 whiskey shots, and some sugary sh*t on top of all that. Yah, I feel awesome today, reeaaaaal great. 12 advil couldn’t fix this epic hangover. You suck.