Dear stray cat we didn’t take in,
Srsly sorry we didnt bring you into our house 3 Christmases ago. We only had room for one and your cute little friend was much nicer. Sorry all you could do was look through the window and give us all the “Death Stare” while we fed and pampered her. Srsly sorry that the next week you were dead on the road!! :(

- anonymous

Dear female student, 4th Period, Bio.
Sorry for googling your boobs in a way you would notice. Normally I’m good at eyeing them discreetly. But if you’re going to wear a really low V neck top and you have at least DD’s… Well, do you blame me?

- Mr. R

Austin Citizen,
I had absolutely nothing to do and left you a citation on your parked car for an expired license plate.  Lame I know.  Seriously sorry.

- Austin Policeman

Dear soon-to-be-husband,
I told you the baby was yours so you would still marry me. i just figured if you knew I got pregnant with some other guy’s kid you might call the engagement off. Srsly Sorry.

- Lucy

Dear Beautiful Shiny Mercedes Benz,
I backed up way too fast from that driveway and totally wrecked your bumper.  I thought you were just a pile of snow I backed up into, and instead of moving forward I tried to push you back even more, then I noticed your beautiful self…um yeah bad mistake. Sorry for fleeing and not leaving a note, and sorry for making an accomplice out of the neighbor who saw me and never mentioned anything to your owner.  And Srsly sorry your car is f**ked up…

- 1986 Toyota

Dear Jeremy, hopefully the only person this has ever happened to,
Really sorry I outted you to your parents via Twitter.

- anonymous

Spring Break Girl, I think from Alabama, but maybe not.

I ran out on you after we hooked up, that was a given.  It was spring break.  I told you I would call you, but I didn’t.  Of course I wasn’t gonna call.  I stole a bottle of vodka when I ran out.  That’s sorta messed up.  But I’m not really sorry about any of it, except I am kinda sorry that I may have given you crabs.  That sucks.

- jerry c

Dear Brandon,

I’m sorry I lost my virginity to your brother in your bed. And that your best friend was our lookout. But I’m mostly sorry that was the only action your bed got in high school. Tough break, kid.

- k

Jaqueline,

Your nipples are too big for my taste.  I’m sorry I wasted money on three dates…

- Jason

Dear ex,

I showed the pictures of your saggy spider vein titty to everyone.   srry.

- anonymous

Dear Mike,

Sorry I, instead of picking you, promoted a compulsively lying, molesting, hideously ugly troll to a position he was unfit to do and that even after I was forced to fire him for sexual harassment, decided to ignore that you are incredibly overqualified for where you are now.

- your boss

Dear Jency,
Sorry we wrote you all those love notes and pretended to be Brad. After finding three letters in your locker, you were totally in love. Sorry that when you went and confessed your love to his face, he had no idea, and you ran off crying. Srsly sorry.

- the girls

Nikkie,
Sorry I had sex with you, then went upstairs and had sex with my little brothers friend, then went back and had sex with you again, then made you take us to my job at 3 in the morning so my “boyfriend” could make us food. Wow,  zannys are a crazy drug.  Sorry that I don’t remember half of it.

- Morgan

Dear random guy I got stoned with,

Totally sorry we all urged you to jump off the front porch, which resulted in an extreme face plant on the cold, hard ground.  We were worried when you didn’t move for several minutes.  Hope you were ok, because I went back inside.

- anonymous

Noel,

Sorry I’m such a crappy dealer and friend. I continually sell light bags to you, and this week I plan on giving you coke that’s really crushed up salt and sugar…. really though didn’t your mom tell you not to trust drug users????

- S.K.