John,

I got really drunk and hardboiled your last four eggs and then ate the aforementioned eggs while I watched your premium cable.  When I woke up on your couch, there were two broken dinner plates on the floor.  I threw the shards away and denied any and all egg eating/plate breaking.  Sorry I am a drunken bastard.

- Chris L

Dear Ross’s Sex Life,

Things are about to hit the skids.  Sorry, but I have a job to do here.

- Ross's Bald Spot

Corona Cruise Kid,
After I found you passed out  in the hall and helped you get back to your room,  I took a dump and threw it in your bunk bed, but seriously you deserved it, not that sorry. I knew you were making fun of me the entire cruise.

- Moleman

Mrs. Julian,

I showed off my nuts the entire semester – literally – by way of free-balling in my short shorts. I thought you’d get bang out of that. Srsly sorry?

- Berns

Dear Little Brother,
I am sorry I walked in on you using the vacuum cleaner extension to jerk off.  I’m sorry that it freaked me out so bad that I immediately called Mom to tell her about it.  However, I feel as though we’re kind of even because this memory is burned into my brain, and now I’ve been scarred for life by seeing your erect penis, something I should have NEVER been anywhere near.

- Big Sis

Dear dead mouse under my desk where I rest my feet that I did not see,
I’m sorry for rolling your body around for about 2 hours before finding you.  Your smooth soft body made me mistake you for a sock, but it was obvious that you were not a sock when I stuck my toe in your dead mouth.

- Adam

Dear Girl I hooked up with last weekend,

Just got your bitchy message, and no, I don’t have herpes. I get an occasional pimple downstairs, that’s all. So sorry but, because you’re being a bitch, I’m not gonna call you back so that you can worry about it for a few days.

- anonymous

Dear female college roommate,

This is one story I’ve never told anyone, and I’ll probably never tell you. One night, I saw you eating a salad with sliced cucumber in it, and when I checked my drawer in the fridge, guess what was missing? My cucumber. The one that I had just used as a DILDO the night before. I put it back in the fridge because I liked the way it felt cold.  Srsly sorry, but I guess that’s what happens when you steal your roommates food.

- anonymous

Dear Jason,

I am srsly sorry that I threw up on you the second time we had sex. I was reeeeeaaaaaly drunk. Side note – I hear some guys are into that.

- anonymoussy

Dear New Orleans,

So… sorry that our crappy levees made your city flood after a CAT 5 storm. Oh wait, it was a Cat 3?… Oh… But come on, there was only so much we could do with paper-mache and popsicle sticks. Srsly, though, sorry.

- The Army Corps of Engineers

Dear Olivia,

Your vagina looks like Gandolf’s sleeve.  Srsly Sorry.

- eric

Mom and Dad,

Seriously sorry I spent the first two years of college getting paid for sex by creepy old guys I found online. I needed the spending money, and hey, I used some of the money to pay off my loans! Thank you for going so far into debt for my degree….in “education.” I promise I’ll be a fantastic teacher! I learned a lot about finances and how to avoid paying taxes.  Srsly sorry, but at least I got a 4.0!!

- your kind of whorish daughter

Dear Daughter,

You were an accident.  Srsly sorry.

- Mommy and Daddy

Dear child,
Srsly sorry for the life of privilege I have given you (private school, Louis, travel, new car, etc etc.) in a foolish attempt to give you the material things I never had as a child.  The end result is you have turned into a mean-spirited narcissistic bitch. Sorry you hate your mom and me for all the shit we do for you. I’ll try my best to stop buying and doing things for you. Srsly sorry.

- Love, Dad

Shaun,
Sorry we almost killed you by getting us all stranded in the middle of the Caribbean Ocean on a $20 raft.   Peer pressuring you onto the raft, joking about eating you first, then making fun of you the rest of the trip was not that cool in retrospect.  At least the rescue crew didn’t think we were gay when they found three half-naked grown men straddling each other in a miniature sinking raft…

- Kyle and Rob