Dear Trish,

Sorry about bailing after you got preggers.  From what I hear, I’m not the only potential father, thank God.  Don’t you dare try to get me on Maury, I ain’t goin!

- anonymous

Owner of a newly shitty car,

I hit your ride in the parking garage.  Banged the fuck out of two quarter panels.  Scratched to hell and back.  I backed out of the spot and parked somewhere else.  No note.  No contact information.  Just straight dicked.  Sorry I ruined your week.

- Anonymous

Nathan,
Sorry I finger-banged your girlfriend.  If it’s any consolation, I felt really bad the whole time, so I bailed right before she could cum.  Too bad for her.

- Iwasreallydrunk

ex-girl  (whichever one will read this first),
I’m sorry that the entire time we could be considered dating there was another girl back “home.”  I’m sorry that she constantly sent me titty pictures, sexy voice mails, saucy texts, and strange packages.  I’m sorry when you two found out about each other that I was drunk enough to believe I could convince you the other was my cousin.  Shits kinda beat up, my bad.

- orangebear

Dear Hot Brunette Girl at Key Bar,

So, hey, how are you?  Last night was crazy fun. Yah, so, I’m really sorry but I sorta stole your i-phone.  I thought I could re-program it or sell it, but that’s not the case.  So, I thought maybe we could get together some time and I could give your phone back.  Do you like Justine’s?  It’s really good French food, you mentioned French food in some of your texts.  It seems like we have a lot in common.  Email me at xxxxxxx@xxxxx.com.  I think we would have a really fun time, oh, and you’ll get your phone back, which I’m really sorry about.  ;)

- jarron

Dear George, Ringo, and Paul,

Sorry I broke up the group.  But, hey, it’s not like you guys were popular or anything anyway. Plus, you can always have a reunion tour…oh, wait. Oops…… Sorry. Peace be with you anyway.

- YOKO

To Ears Everywhere,

Sorry that we have left you forever scarred.  We thought you’d like our “music”

- CREED

Husband,

Even after 6 years you can’t make me cum in bed. I mean really, I have done everything except drawn you a road map.  Because you need gps to get a woman off, I sleep with random guys I meet at the bar. Srsly sorry that you think I’m such a good girl.

- creeping wife

Miss Piggy,

Lets be honest, you’re a pudgy face, and I’m a star.  If there’s one rule I stick to, it’s NO FATTIES.  It will never happen, srry.

- KERMIT the FROG

Dear Melissa,

I secretly look at your pictures/posts on FB using a fake account, and laugh about how much more substance I have than you.  Maybe that explains why that guy you were obsessed with ditched you for me.  I know we used to be ‘friends’ but let’s be honest – you’re not someone that I would’ve considered a friend anyway.  Sorry.

- a weight off my chest

Dear platonic male friend,

I know you’re head over heels in love with me. I pretend I don’t know so I can continue to lean on you when the guys I’m actually attracted to f%$# me over. I may even make out with you some night because I’m lonely, but don’t think that means anything is going to happen.Srsly sorry, but I’m using you because it makes me feel good.

- every girl ever

Dave,

Thanks for the expensive dinner last night.  Unfortunately, expensive dinners only buy BJ’s for attractive guys.  Srry :(

- Mary Anne

Dear Little Bro,

Sorry about that time I convinced you, kinda forced you, to eff with the septic tank.  I took picking on you too far that time, especially because you were covered in poo by the end of it.

- matthew

Melissa,

I think you over-reacted, but I’m sorry about going for your “other hole” without talking about it first.

- Lance

Ashley,

Remember that night a few years ago when we went outside and I stripped you in front of your boyfriend and my boyfriend. I was really drunk and thought it was hilarious, you were terrified.  Sorry.

- Liz