About that time that our bank account got “hacked.” That day I was using a public computer in the university commons, and I am pretty sure I got up and left without closing our online account. I never told because I felt dumb, sorry about that few thousand dollars. At least we got some of it back.
Dear Alcoholic Ex-Girlfriend,
Rotten Trout may not have been the most flattering description of your crotch that evening. I’m sorry your friends were there to hear it. Seriously.
My new ex-husband,
Sorry I poked holes in all your condoms when I found out you were cheating on me. I hope her husband doesn’t mind having another kid around the house.
Dear hot bartender at Crickets,
Last night, when my friend asked how big a tip he needed to give you to see your boobs, you could have made a lot of money, and you could have made an awesome story for a couple of drunk college kids. Instead you had us kicked out. Sorry you’re a prude.
- Not really a redneck
We found out about, and met, my younger, half-sister just recently. Because we’re related, nobody is suspicious of how ‘close’ we’ve gotten. Hint, we are much closer than is appropriate. Srsly sorry, but we’re not going to stop, even though we’ve tried.
- Brandon K
Sorry I put a home-made poop spread in your nutella jar, and then made you a bagel. Looking back, I think I crossed the line with that one. But really, how did you not smell it before biting?
- Reese Styles
Dear Homely Girl in highschool, I think your name was Kendra,
I’m sorry that I shattered your self-esteem by pointing out your receding hairline in the 10th grade… ouch, really, I’m sorry. Hope you’ve worked that hairline thing out.
Srsly sorry I told you I loved you when you said you loved me. Srsly though, deep down, I don’t. I don’t know why, but I just don’t. I will keep saying it though, as long as you keep f%$#ing me.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you it was my time of the month before we hooked up. I was really horny, and I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal. Personally, I think you’re being kinda a pussy about the whole thing, but ok, sorry I intentionally chili-dogged you.
- Sincerely yours, NYPD
I am sorry that I thought you had a gun, I am sorry for shooting at your car 50 times, but most of all i’m sorry for ruining your bachelor party/wedding. Seriously though, srsly sorry.
- Unsatisfied, Soon-to-be-Single Girl
To my boyfriend,
I’m sorry I’ve seriously been considering breaking up with you. But srsly…I’m tired of being a virgin. Tired of waiting for marriage. And even though we don’t have sex…YOU STILL DON’T WANT TO SLEEP WITH ME? Really. All I want is a nice cuddle at night. No hanky panky. Sorry you don’t have any balls and are still worried about what your mother would think. YOU’RE TWENTY DAMN YEARS OLD! GROW A PAIR AND MOVE OUT!
I’m sorry about the accidental-anal incident that happened the last time we were f*&^ing. However, I think you enjoyed it really
- your no-longer friend with benefits
dear former f*ck buddy,
sorry for breaking your dick… actually, I’m not sorry for breaking your dick, that was really your fault. But I’m sorry I collapsed into helpless laughter while you howled in pain. That may have been too much.
I am srsly sorry that I literally punched you in the throat and sh*t on your shirt last Friday. Vodka, gratuitous amounts of coke, and Dane Cook do not mix well…