Dear Mom,

Sorry about all the really weird stuff I used to do as a kid.  I honestly cannot remember why I used to poop in my shoes.

- Patricia C

Laura,

I’m not sorry about having sex with you in the bay at midnight– that was awesome. However, I am sorry that box jellyfish got wedged between my boner and your vag. If it makes you feel any better, my unit now looks like an overcooked hot dog.

- Swollen Member

Dear Walt,

We slipped in a bunch of penises and boners throughout the films like you asked.  Sorry we couldn’t fit more, we just thought some of your suggestions were way too obvious.

- DISNEY ANIMATORS

Dear everyone at my local public pool, 4 summers ago,

Sorry I secretly slid my Baby Ruth in the pool, and caused total pandemonium.  I still laugh at how my poop look-a-like pool impostor caused such a hilarious panic.

- danny ryman

Robbie,

Sorry that I will never share a hotel room with you ever again.  I woke up in the middle of the night to you forcefully trying to spoon me in your sleep.  You have abnormal sleep strength and a creepy sleep giggle, which you made when I finally broke free of your terrible man-embrace.

- Brad

Dear Brandon,

You gotta believe me, it was a wet dream, I was not masturbating in the bed that we were sharing.  I don’t know why it happened on our trip to Colorado, I’ve seriously only had like 3 wet dreams in my entire life, but we happened to be sharing a hotel bed that night.  Like I said, wet dream.  It’s creepy and gross either way, I know.  Sorry.

- spencer

Dear Douche Bag Step Son-in-law,

I used your toothbrush to clean the toilet and then soaked it in the dirty fish tank water while you were sleeping/passed out.  Your abusive behavior towards my step daughter and alcoholism/drug addictions needed to be rewarded.  Oh, and the yummy twice baked potatoe I served you that you gobbled right up???  Had cat sh*t in it.  Not that sorry.

- Step Mom-in-Law

Mark,

Sorry I tricked your Grandma into viewing lemonparty.org.  Seriously though, three sexy old dudes, I thought she’d be into it … at least we got on lamebook, booya.

- Todd

Kids,

Now that you are young adults and semi-responsible, you should know, drugs are awesome.  When I was younger I experimented with almost everything.  LSD, coke, weed, etc.  Ecstasy is amazing.  Sorry for waiting so long to tell you this, but, if you haven’t already,  you should really do some experimenting.

- Mom of 22 years

Bryan,

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you it was my time of the month before we hooked up.  I was really horny, and I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal.  Personally, I think you’re being kinda a pussy about the whole thing, but ok, sorry I intentionally chili-dogged you.

- Anonymous

To my 9 year old daughter,

I am seriously sorry you found my big purple rabbit dildo. Maybe you’ll stop looking for your birthday presents in my room.

- Mom80

Dear baby of terribly over-weight couple in Walmart,

I’m sorry you are doomed to a life of Big Macs, obesity, and tears.

- anonymous

Dear Boss,

I waste about 15-20 hours every week on FB and web surfing.  I am bored and over qualified.  Sorry that YOU got mad at me for asking the big boss for more work. I was trying to be a good employee.  And yet, still no new projects have come to my desk.  So I suppose I’ll continue to waste half a week surfing the web. But hey, I find some really cool web sites, like srsly sorry!

- anonymous

My new ex-husband,

Sorry I poked holes in all your condoms when I found out you were cheating on me.  I hope her husband doesn’t mind having another kid around the house.

- anonymous

Dear female college roommate,

This is one story I’ve never told anyone, and I’ll probably never tell you. One night, I saw you eating a salad with sliced cucumber in it, and when I checked my drawer in the fridge, guess what was missing? My cucumber. The one that I had just used as a DILDO the night before. I put it back in the fridge because I liked the way it felt cold.  Srsly sorry, but I guess that’s what happens when you steal your roommates food.

- anonymous